Well, Christmas time is here again! The time of year that makes me happy and sad at the same time. Christmas is when I get to watch the looks of joy on my family and friend's faces when they open up a gift from me, but it is also when my best friend, Kimberley Ann Greshem Brewer died, while I was talking to her on the phone. The day AFTER Christmas, as a matter of fact. We were chit-chatting about her visiting because my mom was in town and she really wanted to see us. We wanted to see her and Keyondra as well, but it was not to be. We were laughing about some silliness that happened on Christmas Day, I don't remember now but it was FUNNY! We decided to meet after she gave her mom her breakfast, which she was preparing right then. Then it was she and my mom making their usual crazy commments to each other, so I decided to give mom the phone. Mom and Kimmie talked for a few minutes, with Kim PROMISING that she was almost done. "All I have to do is get Keyondra dressed and we'll be there!" They finished their talk with, "I love you", as they always did and then it was ME back on the phone. "Are you still going to Syracuse this weekend?", she asked me. I told her, "Yeah, and I still need Keyondra's carseat for Karson." She said, "Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me, so I can Keyondra's other careseat from Lee's (her husband) truck." I replied, "OK, so you'll be here in a few?" She didn't answer me, so I started calling her name. "Kim, are you there?" I heard her mom calling her name too, but it didn't occur to me that something might be wrong. (Maybe I was blocking it out?) She still didn't answer and I wasn't really worried since we both had Cricket phones and they ALWAYS drop calls.
I tried to call her back several times that day and no one answered. She didn't come over, so I went to her house and since her car was unlocked, I got the carseat. We'd done this several times, if she didn't have time to bring the carseat by, she would leave her car unlocked for me to get it. I went to the door and knocked but no one answered so I got into mom's car and called her on my cell. She still didn't answer so I left her message, telling her that I had the carseat and that we would call when we got back, that maybe mom could see her then. "Talk you later, Kimmie. Love you, girl, bye.....
It wasn't until I was on my way to Syracuse that I found out what happened. While she was talking to me on the phone, she had a Pulmonary Embolism. In short, a blood clot traveled from one of her legs and became lodged in a main vessel in one of her lungs. Death, I am told, was instant. I hope that's true because if anyone deserved a pain-free, quick death, it was her. With two parents who gave her away, church people who she thought were friends and weren't, an abusive husband who cheated on her constantly and never being able to live for herself because she was so busy trying to take care of an ailing mother, she didn't need to suffer any longer. So, my best friend died on December 26, 2003, which was also her daughter's 3rd birthday, she wasn't even 25 yet.
This is one reason I keep this blog. Kim was more than my best friend, she was someone who would gave told me to fight Isaiah! She would have insisted that I stand up for myself when he and his wife were trashing me about what they felt I SHOULD have been doing. Kim NEVER would have let me do this to myself. I miss her and I wish she were here.....
I love you, Kimberley Ann Gresham Brewer..... Rest In Peace, girl....
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Well....
I find myself a little shaken today. After not hearing a peep from Isaiah for well over two years, I check my e-mail today and there was a letter from him. I thought that if I ever heard from him again, that I would lose it, no matter what he was writing me for. But I couldn't. I have come too far in this to actually make a fool of myself over a man that I don't even love anymore, a man who I know never loved me in the first place. Anyway, here is a copy of the letter he wrote:
First of all let me give you a disclaimer before you even start to read this. I am sending this with all sincerity, no hidden agendas, nobody is coaching me, I'm not being forced, and this is not a last resort effort. I am sending this because I know I need to.
In spite of everything that has been said and done on both of our parts, the true and the untrue, I still care about you and all the kids. I know this can be a strain and I certainly don't want to be anymore of a hindrance that takes your focus off of raising them. I know you will go to hell and back for them. A lot of things have been said and done, and I do know that everything that was said true or not was not necessarily your exact words and some of the details were twisted as being told by others. So just know that goes the same for me. A lot of things that were said from this side of the fence were NOT said or started by me. We were told things by different people concerning your conversations with them either when you were here or after you left. I personally have never got into a conversation about any of this with anyone except Tameka, my pastor, and of course Wendy. And even when Wendy first asked me about you awhile back well before she went off on me, I didn't bash you at all. and you can ask her. The recent uproar of all this is actually from you contacting people and telling them all you have been telling them, and that just starts more trouble, and more people talking.
So listen, this is not as secret on my end as you think and being there and not here you are not getting the full picture. Mostly everyone here either in the group or my inner circle know about this now. And the focus of them knowing is the fact that I fell from grace a few years back, it was my fault, I can't blame anybody else, because no matter what if I was where I was supposed to be in God that wouldn't have happened. And I have been trying to climb my way up from the fall every since. Most of them unless they were in the group at that time don't even know who it was, because I don't even mention your name. The names and details aren't as important as the act. So everyone basically knows and they are still with me, and have forgiven. It is very unfortunate that all this has gone down. And I will take the blame. I should have known better, and I was in leadership so yeah, by right it makes it my fault. That's what God says, to whom much is given much is required, and I failed. I failed you, I failed the ministry, and I failed my marriage. So I have been trying to repair it all since the fall.
Look, you have made it abundantly clear that you want nothing to do with me. You have vowed to dedicate your life to being a good mother and raise your children to the best of your ability, and I know you will do that. So I wont bother you after this, I got nothing to say to anyone concerning you, else after this. I am asking for your forgiveness for ALL the wrong I have done or said to you, and like I said, a lot I didn't say or do, but nevertheless I take it all in and ask for your forgiveness.
And yes, I have totally forgiven you for all that has been said, true or not(I'm not sure if you want or need it, but you got it), we have to move on and as long as we hold this we can only go so far.
also your hotmail account is sending out spam emails, FYI
-- Israel
The first thing I did after reading this "letter" is I went immediately to my Hotmail account and changed my password and settings. Then I re-read the "letter" to decided whether or not I wanted to respond. First of all, anyone who knows me knows that I can't just sit back and let someone (even someone I despise) think untruths about me, so OF COURSE I responded. My response was to let him know that even while he thought I was living my life just to make his miserable, that I was paying NO attention to him and his sorry "wife". While I was posting to my blog, I was NOT discussing this with ANYONE IRL! I was venting on my blog while he was seriously lying on me about everything.I also didn't want to disrespect him by not even acknowledging his letter. I wanted him to know that I received it, read it and this is how I feel about the misconceptions that you put in my inbox. Anyway, here's my response to him:
Israel,
As you said yourself, there are many things thaat have been said true and untrue, but there is something that you really need to know. I have NOT contacted anyone concerning this situation. Anything that I told ANYONE was because they contacted ME first. Wendy only knows what she knows, not because of ME but because of you and the lies about me that she said you that YOU told her. I corrected her.Wendy and I spoke about this when my daughter was an INFANT, her knowledge of this not new. After we spoke all those years ago, we lost touch. I think it was mainly because I had gone on with my life and wasn't on MySpace anymore. She left a message for me on MySpace and I happened to check my mail. She told me that she had a new Facebook page and we became friends there, This was about 6-8 weeks ago, she asked me what was new and had you contacted me, I told her no. I told her that I hadn't heard from you since July 2008, which is true. Then I told her that the only thing that I had heard was that you had been at my UHaul storage. THEY called me a few weeks ago and when I asked for a description, it sounded like you so that's who I thought it was. She became angry, I'm assuming because you hadn't even inquired about my baby and wanted to write you. She sent me a copy of the letter and then sent it to you. She wanted to know if I had any issues with her writing and I told her to do what she had to do. NOW, again, whether you believe me or NOT, I have not contacted anyone about you. Why would I do that now? The time to do it would have been when I was mad at you, but I was minding my business. Kyndall is nearly three, what would I gain from bringing this up. You did exactly what I expected you to do. You went away.
Now after the letter, Danielle got involved. If you ask her, she will tell you that Wendy told her what was what. I didn't speak to Danielle until after she already knew. She contacted me on Facebook and I verified what Wendy told her after she told me what was being said about me. After that, she decided to leave your group. I told both of them that since the Lord changed ME, maybe He changed you too and that it was done for me. THEN Danielle told Kristal. Then Kristal contacted me and told me what was being said about me, so I verified what Danielle told her. That was it! I have no interest in making myself look bad and I refused to take the blame in this alone anymore. "Danielle is in sin, she slept with several different men!" "She doesn't know WHO that baby's father is, it could be anyone"! These are the things I was hearing, so obviously I got upset and told the truth. If that makes me wrong, then I am. But MY pastor told me to stop lying about the situation so I did.
And after all this, I was told that you were telling people that I drugged you. (Juanell told Tabitha that!) That I had been chasing you for years and that the main reason I came there was to get pregnant by you. Israel, really? Is that what you really think of me? I drugged you? Wow. Well, anyway, there's nothing I want to say about any of that except that you and I both know none of that is true. You know me better than just about anyone and you KNOW that I don't take being lied on well. For some reason I HAVE to defend myself and that's the only reason I wrote you back. After all the letters I've written you with no reponse from you, I felt that I owed you the respect of validating your letter, the respect that you never gave me when I wrote.
Anyway, you're right. I really don't want anything else to do with you. I have forgiven you and have moved on with my life. It is sad that our friendship had to end this way. Alot of things could have been handled differently. I understand why you wanted to distance yourself, but did you have to do it at my expense? My children continue to suffer because of what I, as their mother allowed to happen to them. To be quite frank, the situation that happened between me and you is secondary. When you sit in an emergency room because your child has tried to kill herself, you gain alot of perspective. Karson is still afraid of going to the bathroom, I don't know what happened yet but I hope whoever terrorized my kids is happy. The sin happened and if you did as I did and asked for forgiveness then God has forgiven you. He has forgiven me too and for that I am grateful. He could have killed us in our sin but He was merciful. He gave me a beautfiul baby girl that I love more than anything. I forgive you and as I wrote you long ago asking for your forgiveness, I hope that you have forgiven me too. However, I am not going to say "IF I did anything", I obviously did for you to say some of the things that you said, SO I ask for your forgiveness as well.
I will do as you asked me and Kyndall will never know who you are. She will never intrude on your life. All I ask is that you send me what belongs to me, for you to replace my laptop and I will close this portion of my life. For some reason, I can't let that go. My therapist says that it's a symbol of what you took from me. You'll be glad to know that I am over you. I guess this is what it took, although I really can't blame just you. It was MY fault too. I could have said no, I could have stayed in Niagara Falls because no matter how much we both lie and say we had no idea that we would end up sleeping together, we BOTH know it was inevitable. BUT I have no regrets because to regret this would be regrettng my daughter and I will NEVER regret having her. Thank you for your part in her, that's the part of you that I will always love. Thanks for the letter, I appreciate you candor and your apology.
Danielle
Now I think I handled that like an adult. However, he STILL blames ME for how this all got out. It's not MY fault people know, it's HIS! I had to defend myself and I refuse to let anyone badmouth me about this situation again.
First of all let me give you a disclaimer before you even start to read this. I am sending this with all sincerity, no hidden agendas, nobody is coaching me, I'm not being forced, and this is not a last resort effort. I am sending this because I know I need to.
In spite of everything that has been said and done on both of our parts, the true and the untrue, I still care about you and all the kids. I know this can be a strain and I certainly don't want to be anymore of a hindrance that takes your focus off of raising them. I know you will go to hell and back for them. A lot of things have been said and done, and I do know that everything that was said true or not was not necessarily your exact words and some of the details were twisted as being told by others. So just know that goes the same for me. A lot of things that were said from this side of the fence were NOT said or started by me. We were told things by different people concerning your conversations with them either when you were here or after you left. I personally have never got into a conversation about any of this with anyone except Tameka, my pastor, and of course Wendy. And even when Wendy first asked me about you awhile back well before she went off on me, I didn't bash you at all. and you can ask her. The recent uproar of all this is actually from you contacting people and telling them all you have been telling them, and that just starts more trouble, and more people talking.
So listen, this is not as secret on my end as you think and being there and not here you are not getting the full picture. Mostly everyone here either in the group or my inner circle know about this now. And the focus of them knowing is the fact that I fell from grace a few years back, it was my fault, I can't blame anybody else, because no matter what if I was where I was supposed to be in God that wouldn't have happened. And I have been trying to climb my way up from the fall every since. Most of them unless they were in the group at that time don't even know who it was, because I don't even mention your name. The names and details aren't as important as the act. So everyone basically knows and they are still with me, and have forgiven. It is very unfortunate that all this has gone down. And I will take the blame. I should have known better, and I was in leadership so yeah, by right it makes it my fault. That's what God says, to whom much is given much is required, and I failed. I failed you, I failed the ministry, and I failed my marriage. So I have been trying to repair it all since the fall.
Look, you have made it abundantly clear that you want nothing to do with me. You have vowed to dedicate your life to being a good mother and raise your children to the best of your ability, and I know you will do that. So I wont bother you after this, I got nothing to say to anyone concerning you, else after this. I am asking for your forgiveness for ALL the wrong I have done or said to you, and like I said, a lot I didn't say or do, but nevertheless I take it all in and ask for your forgiveness.
And yes, I have totally forgiven you for all that has been said, true or not(I'm not sure if you want or need it, but you got it), we have to move on and as long as we hold this we can only go so far.
also your hotmail account is sending out spam emails, FYI
-- Israel
The first thing I did after reading this "letter" is I went immediately to my Hotmail account and changed my password and settings. Then I re-read the "letter" to decided whether or not I wanted to respond. First of all, anyone who knows me knows that I can't just sit back and let someone (even someone I despise) think untruths about me, so OF COURSE I responded. My response was to let him know that even while he thought I was living my life just to make his miserable, that I was paying NO attention to him and his sorry "wife". While I was posting to my blog, I was NOT discussing this with ANYONE IRL! I was venting on my blog while he was seriously lying on me about everything.I also didn't want to disrespect him by not even acknowledging his letter. I wanted him to know that I received it, read it and this is how I feel about the misconceptions that you put in my inbox. Anyway, here's my response to him:
Israel,
As you said yourself, there are many things thaat have been said true and untrue, but there is something that you really need to know. I have NOT contacted anyone concerning this situation. Anything that I told ANYONE was because they contacted ME first. Wendy only knows what she knows, not because of ME but because of you and the lies about me that she said you that YOU told her. I corrected her.Wendy and I spoke about this when my daughter was an INFANT, her knowledge of this not new. After we spoke all those years ago, we lost touch. I think it was mainly because I had gone on with my life and wasn't on MySpace anymore. She left a message for me on MySpace and I happened to check my mail. She told me that she had a new Facebook page and we became friends there, This was about 6-8 weeks ago, she asked me what was new and had you contacted me, I told her no. I told her that I hadn't heard from you since July 2008, which is true. Then I told her that the only thing that I had heard was that you had been at my UHaul storage. THEY called me a few weeks ago and when I asked for a description, it sounded like you so that's who I thought it was. She became angry, I'm assuming because you hadn't even inquired about my baby and wanted to write you. She sent me a copy of the letter and then sent it to you. She wanted to know if I had any issues with her writing and I told her to do what she had to do. NOW, again, whether you believe me or NOT, I have not contacted anyone about you. Why would I do that now? The time to do it would have been when I was mad at you, but I was minding my business. Kyndall is nearly three, what would I gain from bringing this up. You did exactly what I expected you to do. You went away.
Now after the letter, Danielle got involved. If you ask her, she will tell you that Wendy told her what was what. I didn't speak to Danielle until after she already knew. She contacted me on Facebook and I verified what Wendy told her after she told me what was being said about me. After that, she decided to leave your group. I told both of them that since the Lord changed ME, maybe He changed you too and that it was done for me. THEN Danielle told Kristal. Then Kristal contacted me and told me what was being said about me, so I verified what Danielle told her. That was it! I have no interest in making myself look bad and I refused to take the blame in this alone anymore. "Danielle is in sin, she slept with several different men!" "She doesn't know WHO that baby's father is, it could be anyone"! These are the things I was hearing, so obviously I got upset and told the truth. If that makes me wrong, then I am. But MY pastor told me to stop lying about the situation so I did.
And after all this, I was told that you were telling people that I drugged you. (Juanell told Tabitha that!) That I had been chasing you for years and that the main reason I came there was to get pregnant by you. Israel, really? Is that what you really think of me? I drugged you? Wow. Well, anyway, there's nothing I want to say about any of that except that you and I both know none of that is true. You know me better than just about anyone and you KNOW that I don't take being lied on well. For some reason I HAVE to defend myself and that's the only reason I wrote you back. After all the letters I've written you with no reponse from you, I felt that I owed you the respect of validating your letter, the respect that you never gave me when I wrote.
Anyway, you're right. I really don't want anything else to do with you. I have forgiven you and have moved on with my life. It is sad that our friendship had to end this way. Alot of things could have been handled differently. I understand why you wanted to distance yourself, but did you have to do it at my expense? My children continue to suffer because of what I, as their mother allowed to happen to them. To be quite frank, the situation that happened between me and you is secondary. When you sit in an emergency room because your child has tried to kill herself, you gain alot of perspective. Karson is still afraid of going to the bathroom, I don't know what happened yet but I hope whoever terrorized my kids is happy. The sin happened and if you did as I did and asked for forgiveness then God has forgiven you. He has forgiven me too and for that I am grateful. He could have killed us in our sin but He was merciful. He gave me a beautfiul baby girl that I love more than anything. I forgive you and as I wrote you long ago asking for your forgiveness, I hope that you have forgiven me too. However, I am not going to say "IF I did anything", I obviously did for you to say some of the things that you said, SO I ask for your forgiveness as well.
I will do as you asked me and Kyndall will never know who you are. She will never intrude on your life. All I ask is that you send me what belongs to me, for you to replace my laptop and I will close this portion of my life. For some reason, I can't let that go. My therapist says that it's a symbol of what you took from me. You'll be glad to know that I am over you. I guess this is what it took, although I really can't blame just you. It was MY fault too. I could have said no, I could have stayed in Niagara Falls because no matter how much we both lie and say we had no idea that we would end up sleeping together, we BOTH know it was inevitable. BUT I have no regrets because to regret this would be regrettng my daughter and I will NEVER regret having her. Thank you for your part in her, that's the part of you that I will always love. Thanks for the letter, I appreciate you candor and your apology.
Danielle
Now I think I handled that like an adult. However, he STILL blames ME for how this all got out. It's not MY fault people know, it's HIS! I had to defend myself and I refuse to let anyone badmouth me about this situation again.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
More MySpace Blog....
OK.... STILL trying to get it all over here so I can delete my MySpace page....
Sep 10, 2008
Current mood: energetic
HEY ALL!!
You know what? I am really digging my life right now! I'm living a life that I never in a million years thought I'd be living! I can go to the bank and withdraw money without even THINKING about it! Today I withdrew $1.000.00 dollars and took my 8 month old shopping for absolutely NO REASON! (Oh, somebody remind me to go get some onesies and socks, I totally forgot!) God has been SO good to me, He could have let me die in my sin, but He was merciful to me and my children!
I have a beautiful 10 year old daughter who can sing, JUST LIKE HER MOM! She's a big girl who is doing wonderfully in 5th grade! As a matter of fact, she has become so much more well behaved since we returned from Hell. She's a little lady who's always trying to help me take care of her brother and sister! It looks like the therapy is really helping her AND Karson. They've changed so much since we've been back. And guess what? I don't have to beat them to death! I KNEW it could be done! I KNEW that I didn't have to shame and ridicule them to get them to mind me.
I have a 6 year old son who is my little man. In fact, he's the ONLY man who has never lied to me or hurt me. It's a shame when a 6 year old is more of a man than a 36 year old. That's the best thing, children tell the truth no matter what! Whether you love it or hate it, they always say what's what! He's doing really well in his drum lessons and he LOVES his karate lessons. You can't lock children in the house and expect them to thrive!
And last but CERTAINLY not least, I have a beautiful 8 month old. She's my sweet little heart! I love Kyndall so much sometimes I can't bear it but it has in no way underscored the love I feel for my other babies! These children have bought me through some horrible days and nights! Man, if it weren't for them and the Lord I don't know where I'd be right now!
It feels good to be doing what I want to do, to be going to church where I want to go, to be singing in a ministry that actually has a chance to go somewhere because God really ordained it. Where the leader is a true man of God and not always "booty" hunting. A man who KNOWS how to minister to God's people and not sound awkward and has no Word in him to share with people! It's ONE thing to sound O.K. and have annointing but a totally different thing when you're singing and the only people who feel anything are the people in your group!
It's good to spend MY money the way I want and to not have to worry about someone checking my bank account to see how much he can "borrow" from me KNOWING that I am trying to raise children on my own OR calling my choices dumb just because I'M not used to being without money! I'm used to having money and spending it ANYWAY I CHOOSE! God has always been good to me. And I have NEVER gone without ANYTHING that I needed! He has always made certain that I and my children have never gone without anything!
So anyway, Kyndall and I went shopping today.... AGAIN! We went to The Children's Place, Old Navy (I was disappointed there!), Baby Gap. Osh Kosh, and then we ran through Gymboree and that was all before 1:00pm! Keep in mind now that the mall doesn't open until 10:00am!! LOL Yeah we did ALOT of damage in just three hours! Then we had a lunch break. (I had chinese and Kyndall had breastmilk and pears!) THEN we ran out to Babies'R'Us for onesies, socks, and some of the cutest bibs and shoes EVER! We had a BALL running around today! We mde ANOTHER bank run and went over to FootLocker (for Kennedy and Karson!). I HATE SNEAKERS, but my kids like them SO I guess I'll be buying them for a while! I hope that Kyndall is my girlie girl who doesn't like them because Kennedy LOVES them! We stopped in Stride-Rite for Kyndall's FIRST pre-walker shoes!
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! She was measured and EVERYTHING! LOL Kyn and I had SO much fun today! She was kinda cranky 'cause she didn't really get to nap with me snapping her in and out of the car base and onto her stroller and back onto her car base! And it didn't help that we kept getting stopped by people saying how beautiful my baby is, well she IS beautiful! What can I say? I'm just happy that she looks like ME and KARSON! A blessing! LOL I just hope we can do that again soon, I had so mch fun being with my daughter! With her smile, and those beautiful eyes and ALL THAT hair! I love my baby so much and I praise the Lord daily for her! Anyway, thank you for reading about my day with my daughter...... Probably bored the crap outta you but I was excited!!! LOL
God Bless,
Dani and Kyndall
10:05 PM
Sep 10, 2008
Current mood: energetic
HEY ALL!!
You know what? I am really digging my life right now! I'm living a life that I never in a million years thought I'd be living! I can go to the bank and withdraw money without even THINKING about it! Today I withdrew $1.000.00 dollars and took my 8 month old shopping for absolutely NO REASON! (Oh, somebody remind me to go get some onesies and socks, I totally forgot!) God has been SO good to me, He could have let me die in my sin, but He was merciful to me and my children!
I have a beautiful 10 year old daughter who can sing, JUST LIKE HER MOM! She's a big girl who is doing wonderfully in 5th grade! As a matter of fact, she has become so much more well behaved since we returned from Hell. She's a little lady who's always trying to help me take care of her brother and sister! It looks like the therapy is really helping her AND Karson. They've changed so much since we've been back. And guess what? I don't have to beat them to death! I KNEW it could be done! I KNEW that I didn't have to shame and ridicule them to get them to mind me.
I have a 6 year old son who is my little man. In fact, he's the ONLY man who has never lied to me or hurt me. It's a shame when a 6 year old is more of a man than a 36 year old. That's the best thing, children tell the truth no matter what! Whether you love it or hate it, they always say what's what! He's doing really well in his drum lessons and he LOVES his karate lessons. You can't lock children in the house and expect them to thrive!
And last but CERTAINLY not least, I have a beautiful 8 month old. She's my sweet little heart! I love Kyndall so much sometimes I can't bear it but it has in no way underscored the love I feel for my other babies! These children have bought me through some horrible days and nights! Man, if it weren't for them and the Lord I don't know where I'd be right now!
It feels good to be doing what I want to do, to be going to church where I want to go, to be singing in a ministry that actually has a chance to go somewhere because God really ordained it. Where the leader is a true man of God and not always "booty" hunting. A man who KNOWS how to minister to God's people and not sound awkward and has no Word in him to share with people! It's ONE thing to sound O.K. and have annointing but a totally different thing when you're singing and the only people who feel anything are the people in your group!
It's good to spend MY money the way I want and to not have to worry about someone checking my bank account to see how much he can "borrow" from me KNOWING that I am trying to raise children on my own OR calling my choices dumb just because I'M not used to being without money! I'm used to having money and spending it ANYWAY I CHOOSE! God has always been good to me. And I have NEVER gone without ANYTHING that I needed! He has always made certain that I and my children have never gone without anything!
So anyway, Kyndall and I went shopping today.... AGAIN! We went to The Children's Place, Old Navy (I was disappointed there!), Baby Gap. Osh Kosh, and then we ran through Gymboree and that was all before 1:00pm! Keep in mind now that the mall doesn't open until 10:00am!! LOL Yeah we did ALOT of damage in just three hours! Then we had a lunch break. (I had chinese and Kyndall had breastmilk and pears!) THEN we ran out to Babies'R'Us for onesies, socks, and some of the cutest bibs and shoes EVER! We had a BALL running around today! We mde ANOTHER bank run and went over to FootLocker (for Kennedy and Karson!). I HATE SNEAKERS, but my kids like them SO I guess I'll be buying them for a while! I hope that Kyndall is my girlie girl who doesn't like them because Kennedy LOVES them! We stopped in Stride-Rite for Kyndall's FIRST pre-walker shoes!
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! She was measured and EVERYTHING! LOL Kyn and I had SO much fun today! She was kinda cranky 'cause she didn't really get to nap with me snapping her in and out of the car base and onto her stroller and back onto her car base! And it didn't help that we kept getting stopped by people saying how beautiful my baby is, well she IS beautiful! What can I say? I'm just happy that she looks like ME and KARSON! A blessing! LOL I just hope we can do that again soon, I had so mch fun being with my daughter! With her smile, and those beautiful eyes and ALL THAT hair! I love my baby so much and I praise the Lord daily for her! Anyway, thank you for reading about my day with my daughter...... Probably bored the crap outta you but I was excited!!! LOL
God Bless,
Dani and Kyndall
10:05 PM
HaPpY ThAnKsGiViNg!!!
Yes, yes, yes, I know it is TWO DAYS AFTER Thanksgiving but I really didn't have the time to write at all, what with family and food and fun!! I was thinking of what I could possibly be thankful for. After all, I spend alot of time in this blog complaining about how some loser and his loser family messed up my life. I realized that even in that, I have many things to be thankful for....
1. I am thankful for my life, health and strength, but most of all I am grateful to still be mentally stable after my experience there, after all look what you've done to your "wife's" self-esteem.
2. I am thankful for Kyndall because while I get to see her every day, you don't. I heard the first words, you didn't. I saw the first teeth pop through pink baby gums, you didn't. I got to walk the floor with her during her first fever, you didn't. I have been present at EACH and EVERY doctor's appointment, you haven't. I get to listen to her vocabulary grow each day, you don't. I get to watch her sweet face as she sleeps at night, you don't. I get to hear the sweet bell of sound that is her laughter, you don't. I get to shop 'til I drop, buying her beautiful outfits and dressing her like the princess that she is, you can't afford it. I get to love her, you don't. Finally, I have the privilege of even KNOWING her, whereas, you never will. Your loss.
3. I am thankful that Kennedy if well enough to talk about you without sobbing. She can look at pictures of you without vomitting and has not tried to kill herself because of YOU for over a year now. She is doing well in therapy and while she is still on meds, doesn't think about you and what you did to her anymore.
4. I am thankful that Karson went to the bathroom BY HIMSELF for the first time last Friday. His therapist says that he is healing. Eventually, he won't even remember you and every evil thing that you did will never cross his mind again. One day, he'll sleep through the night without dreaming of your "wife" beating him for no reason OR of your horrible son putting him in a toy chest and sitting on it so he can't get out. One day, he'll be as free mentally from you people as he is physically.
5. I am thankful that even though you choose to continue to lie and hide what you did, God has freed me of it. I am thankful for the strength to step forward and claim my part in the sin so that I could be forgiven. I am thankful that God has forgiven me and that He loved me enough to help me get over you. You will never have the effect you had on me again.....
6. I am thankful for my singing ability and how God will show YOU my reward. He will show me being rewarded for being a woman of my word and never dealing with you again. You will watch me win Sunday's Best! You will watch me sign my first record contract and you will see my CD in stores! However, your ministry will continue to decline until there is no one in your group but people who choose to believe your lies.
7. I am thankful for my supportive family and a mother that even though I tried to shut her out of my life, at YOUR urging, stayed with me even through my sin.She prayed for me and loved me even when I was trying to listen to YOU and dog her. Imagine what would have happened if I had listened to you. I would have NO ONE!
Thanksgiving is just another day for me because I am thankful for the things on my list year-round. God is good to me daily and each morning brings bew mercies from Him.
D
1. I am thankful for my life, health and strength, but most of all I am grateful to still be mentally stable after my experience there, after all look what you've done to your "wife's" self-esteem.
2. I am thankful for Kyndall because while I get to see her every day, you don't. I heard the first words, you didn't. I saw the first teeth pop through pink baby gums, you didn't. I got to walk the floor with her during her first fever, you didn't. I have been present at EACH and EVERY doctor's appointment, you haven't. I get to listen to her vocabulary grow each day, you don't. I get to watch her sweet face as she sleeps at night, you don't. I get to hear the sweet bell of sound that is her laughter, you don't. I get to shop 'til I drop, buying her beautiful outfits and dressing her like the princess that she is, you can't afford it. I get to love her, you don't. Finally, I have the privilege of even KNOWING her, whereas, you never will. Your loss.
3. I am thankful that Kennedy if well enough to talk about you without sobbing. She can look at pictures of you without vomitting and has not tried to kill herself because of YOU for over a year now. She is doing well in therapy and while she is still on meds, doesn't think about you and what you did to her anymore.
4. I am thankful that Karson went to the bathroom BY HIMSELF for the first time last Friday. His therapist says that he is healing. Eventually, he won't even remember you and every evil thing that you did will never cross his mind again. One day, he'll sleep through the night without dreaming of your "wife" beating him for no reason OR of your horrible son putting him in a toy chest and sitting on it so he can't get out. One day, he'll be as free mentally from you people as he is physically.
5. I am thankful that even though you choose to continue to lie and hide what you did, God has freed me of it. I am thankful for the strength to step forward and claim my part in the sin so that I could be forgiven. I am thankful that God has forgiven me and that He loved me enough to help me get over you. You will never have the effect you had on me again.....
6. I am thankful for my singing ability and how God will show YOU my reward. He will show me being rewarded for being a woman of my word and never dealing with you again. You will watch me win Sunday's Best! You will watch me sign my first record contract and you will see my CD in stores! However, your ministry will continue to decline until there is no one in your group but people who choose to believe your lies.
7. I am thankful for my supportive family and a mother that even though I tried to shut her out of my life, at YOUR urging, stayed with me even through my sin.She prayed for me and loved me even when I was trying to listen to YOU and dog her. Imagine what would have happened if I had listened to you. I would have NO ONE!
Thanksgiving is just another day for me because I am thankful for the things on my list year-round. God is good to me daily and each morning brings bew mercies from Him.
D
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Still more from MySpace....
Aug 10, 2008
Current mood: contemplative
It’s all done now.....
Well, for ME anyway.... I was kinda concerned about him, but I thought about all of the things that I had to do on my own and I figure he'll be just fine! And if not, it's really not my affair anymore. She called and tried to go off on me and I must admit I thought it would be MUCH worst. All she really did was try to put some guilt trip on me about all that she had SUPPOSEDLY done for me, when in reality I have done WAY more for her than she has EVER done for me. ESPECIALLY FINANCIALLY!
I spoke to my pastor to update him on the siutation today, he told me to be encouraged, that my part in the whole mess is over. It's not my fault that she's just NOW finding out. I asked if maybe I should have tried harder to tell her, he told me NO, that it was NOT MY PLACE to ever tell her. After all, I'm not the one in a relationship with her. I KNEW I was right about that! I'm not gonna bash her, she DOES have a right to be upset, I just hope that she's smart enough to place blame where it belongs and NOT ALL ON ME! Anyway, my pastor told me not to contact them again and that if I REALLY wanted my laptop back that we could just take it to court. But I really don't want to waste another SECOND of my life or another DIME of my money on those people! Hopefully he'll just send me my stuff and we'll be done. But we'll see......
One thing that bothered me though, she said that I came there to get a baby from him! LOL AS IF..... Now, why on EARTH would I purposely get pregnant for someone who had his head so far up her behind that he can't see daylight? Someone who is SO henpecked that he wouldn't even stand up for his OWN sin and claim his OWN child? As much as I love my baby, and was willing to give up ANYTHING for her, even up to my own LIFE. He couldn't even give her an identity. Well, she has one now and God is to be glorified!
I'm done.....
'Night Blog.....
10:45 PM
This one is self-explanatory as well.... The next goes a bit more in-depth.
Sep 4, 2008
Current mood: accomplished
Excerpt from my book...... Let me know what you think!
O.K. So here it is about a month after it all hit the fan and I'm kinda burnin' about a few things! That phone call rings in my head, especially all of the things that she said that she was TOTALLY wrong about;
1. She said that I came there specifically to have a baby for him.
That HAD to be something that he told her to try to absolve himself of any responsibility! Answer this question for me; Why on earth would I PURPOSELY get pregnant for a man who can not take care of the many children that he already has. Someone who is ALWAYS broke and usually had to borrow money FROM ME!!
2. She referred to my baby several times as "that baby" or it!
First of all, that pissed me off more than anything because my baby is a person with a name and a personality. I guess it makes her feel better to dehumanize my baby than to realize that she is a person, a person HER "husband" helped to create! I have never been evil or ugly about any of her kids even though I could have MANY times! But I realized that they are innocents and have NEVER done anything to me,which is what SHE should consider instead of hating my baby because her "husband" can't keep his hands to himself.
3. She said that she "took care" of me?
WHEN? When was I taken care of? The only thing that got "taken care" of was my WALLET when I was around them! I helped with your bills, your grocery, I even paid your phone bill for three months because your "husband" was broke and couldn't afford to keep your phones on! Oh and let's not forget about the money to get the keyboard out of the pawn shop, that money was a LOAN. Guess what? I might as well should have kissed that money before I gave it to him because I never saw it again!
4. She said she never did anything to me.
Oh really? Well, let's talk about the lectures about my children while yours were flunking out of school and getting suspended! How about showing me how to keep my house clean while YOURS looked like a hell-hole. How the only time you ever even TRIED to clean was when you were going to have rehearsal. Going off on me about MY kids and yours weren't under complete control! I can say I never found any dead mice in my bedroom. Talking to me about my finances while your lights and gas were getting cut off! Oh, and how about catching up that 4-5 months of back rent before you tell ANYONE how to handle money?
5.I seduced him?
LOL That was the biggest laugh of all! I can't believe she even went there with me! I guess ALL the women he ever cheated on you with, INCLUDING YOUR VERY OWN COUSIN seduced him. He's so innocent and irresistable to any and all women! Just to let you know, dear heart; Remember that woman you took such relish in telling me that you got rid of, you know the one who was sending him all the dirty e-mails and phone calls. Well, there was a reason; HE SLEPT WITH HER! He told YOU nothing ever happend and you believed him! He met her at a hotel and screwed her! At least that's what he told ME! Who knows though. He might have been lying to me too, that's about the only thing he did well.....
I'm done with that part but now it's time to blow open some of the lies that he told you on me;
1. Remember the time when he told you that I went onto your family's network and took those sensual pictures of him? Well that's NOT TRUE! He actually GAVE me those pictures on a CD. (Which I still have!) He told me that you could NEVER know that I had those pics but what he didn't count on was your nosy self going into MY computer files and finding them!
2. Remember when he told you that he was going to the barber shop at 6:00am so he could get in before anyone else? Not true, love. He was actually at MY house, he would go get his haircut AFTER he spent an hour or two in my bed. This happened SEVERAL times!
3. Remember when he was working for **** and told you that he was going right home after work? He actually came RIGHT to MY house... Ask Cieyana. He woke her up coming in...
4. Remember when he told you that he never came to my house while you were in ******** taking care of your cousin? He lied..... He was at my house whenever he disappeared for any amount of time.
5. He told you that the reason we were so late showing up at that ******* ***'s outing when we took them to Magic Mountain is because I wasn't ready when he came for me? Another lie. That was the day we conceived my baby.
So as you can see. He lied and lied and lied. Over and over again. AND I can't imagine what he told you I did to make you stay with him! Oh, and one more thing;
6. Remember when I came up to help you all sing at ********** and he told you that we hadn't seen each other in years? Lie. He had seen me that week you were at the **** and he left early to stop in Niagara Falls to see me. Oh yeah, and he spent the night with me.
So while he was telling me that he loved you but was in love with me, he was telling you that he loved me but was in love with you! I really hope you hear me. But knowing you with your track record, you'll dismiss all of this because of ONE lie that he comes up with.
Now I have some questions;
1. Is your self-esteem REALLY so low that you will continue to live with a man that has lied to and cheated on you for the last 15 years?
2. Do you really believe that the Lord loves you so little that He would make you stay in a marriage with a man who does not respect you OR marriage?
3. Are you afraid that you can't raise 4 children alone? You might as well be doing that now, you take care of everything anyway, he does nothing.
4. Do you really believe that God ordained your marriage? Or do you know that the only reason he married you is because you told him that you were pregnant and would NOT under any circumstances have another baby without having a husband? He married you for the SAME reason that he married the first psycho, to save his baby's life. Only with you it wasn't that noble, he also wanted to keep you from pressing charges after he raped you.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you're sleeping and someone needs to wake you up.
So that was a part of the first chapter, let me know what you think!
5:34 PM
Current mood: contemplative
It’s all done now.....
Well, for ME anyway.... I was kinda concerned about him, but I thought about all of the things that I had to do on my own and I figure he'll be just fine! And if not, it's really not my affair anymore. She called and tried to go off on me and I must admit I thought it would be MUCH worst. All she really did was try to put some guilt trip on me about all that she had SUPPOSEDLY done for me, when in reality I have done WAY more for her than she has EVER done for me. ESPECIALLY FINANCIALLY!
I spoke to my pastor to update him on the siutation today, he told me to be encouraged, that my part in the whole mess is over. It's not my fault that she's just NOW finding out. I asked if maybe I should have tried harder to tell her, he told me NO, that it was NOT MY PLACE to ever tell her. After all, I'm not the one in a relationship with her. I KNEW I was right about that! I'm not gonna bash her, she DOES have a right to be upset, I just hope that she's smart enough to place blame where it belongs and NOT ALL ON ME! Anyway, my pastor told me not to contact them again and that if I REALLY wanted my laptop back that we could just take it to court. But I really don't want to waste another SECOND of my life or another DIME of my money on those people! Hopefully he'll just send me my stuff and we'll be done. But we'll see......
One thing that bothered me though, she said that I came there to get a baby from him! LOL AS IF..... Now, why on EARTH would I purposely get pregnant for someone who had his head so far up her behind that he can't see daylight? Someone who is SO henpecked that he wouldn't even stand up for his OWN sin and claim his OWN child? As much as I love my baby, and was willing to give up ANYTHING for her, even up to my own LIFE. He couldn't even give her an identity. Well, she has one now and God is to be glorified!
I'm done.....
'Night Blog.....
10:45 PM
This one is self-explanatory as well.... The next goes a bit more in-depth.
Sep 4, 2008
Current mood: accomplished
Excerpt from my book...... Let me know what you think!
O.K. So here it is about a month after it all hit the fan and I'm kinda burnin' about a few things! That phone call rings in my head, especially all of the things that she said that she was TOTALLY wrong about;
1. She said that I came there specifically to have a baby for him.
That HAD to be something that he told her to try to absolve himself of any responsibility! Answer this question for me; Why on earth would I PURPOSELY get pregnant for a man who can not take care of the many children that he already has. Someone who is ALWAYS broke and usually had to borrow money FROM ME!!
2. She referred to my baby several times as "that baby" or it!
First of all, that pissed me off more than anything because my baby is a person with a name and a personality. I guess it makes her feel better to dehumanize my baby than to realize that she is a person, a person HER "husband" helped to create! I have never been evil or ugly about any of her kids even though I could have MANY times! But I realized that they are innocents and have NEVER done anything to me,which is what SHE should consider instead of hating my baby because her "husband" can't keep his hands to himself.
3. She said that she "took care" of me?
WHEN? When was I taken care of? The only thing that got "taken care" of was my WALLET when I was around them! I helped with your bills, your grocery, I even paid your phone bill for three months because your "husband" was broke and couldn't afford to keep your phones on! Oh and let's not forget about the money to get the keyboard out of the pawn shop, that money was a LOAN. Guess what? I might as well should have kissed that money before I gave it to him because I never saw it again!
4. She said she never did anything to me.
Oh really? Well, let's talk about the lectures about my children while yours were flunking out of school and getting suspended! How about showing me how to keep my house clean while YOURS looked like a hell-hole. How the only time you ever even TRIED to clean was when you were going to have rehearsal. Going off on me about MY kids and yours weren't under complete control! I can say I never found any dead mice in my bedroom. Talking to me about my finances while your lights and gas were getting cut off! Oh, and how about catching up that 4-5 months of back rent before you tell ANYONE how to handle money?
5.I seduced him?
LOL That was the biggest laugh of all! I can't believe she even went there with me! I guess ALL the women he ever cheated on you with, INCLUDING YOUR VERY OWN COUSIN seduced him. He's so innocent and irresistable to any and all women! Just to let you know, dear heart; Remember that woman you took such relish in telling me that you got rid of, you know the one who was sending him all the dirty e-mails and phone calls. Well, there was a reason; HE SLEPT WITH HER! He told YOU nothing ever happend and you believed him! He met her at a hotel and screwed her! At least that's what he told ME! Who knows though. He might have been lying to me too, that's about the only thing he did well.....
I'm done with that part but now it's time to blow open some of the lies that he told you on me;
1. Remember the time when he told you that I went onto your family's network and took those sensual pictures of him? Well that's NOT TRUE! He actually GAVE me those pictures on a CD. (Which I still have!) He told me that you could NEVER know that I had those pics but what he didn't count on was your nosy self going into MY computer files and finding them!
2. Remember when he told you that he was going to the barber shop at 6:00am so he could get in before anyone else? Not true, love. He was actually at MY house, he would go get his haircut AFTER he spent an hour or two in my bed. This happened SEVERAL times!
3. Remember when he was working for **** and told you that he was going right home after work? He actually came RIGHT to MY house... Ask Cieyana. He woke her up coming in...
4. Remember when he told you that he never came to my house while you were in ******** taking care of your cousin? He lied..... He was at my house whenever he disappeared for any amount of time.
5. He told you that the reason we were so late showing up at that ******* ***'s outing when we took them to Magic Mountain is because I wasn't ready when he came for me? Another lie. That was the day we conceived my baby.
So as you can see. He lied and lied and lied. Over and over again. AND I can't imagine what he told you I did to make you stay with him! Oh, and one more thing;
6. Remember when I came up to help you all sing at ********** and he told you that we hadn't seen each other in years? Lie. He had seen me that week you were at the **** and he left early to stop in Niagara Falls to see me. Oh yeah, and he spent the night with me.
So while he was telling me that he loved you but was in love with me, he was telling you that he loved me but was in love with you! I really hope you hear me. But knowing you with your track record, you'll dismiss all of this because of ONE lie that he comes up with.
Now I have some questions;
1. Is your self-esteem REALLY so low that you will continue to live with a man that has lied to and cheated on you for the last 15 years?
2. Do you really believe that the Lord loves you so little that He would make you stay in a marriage with a man who does not respect you OR marriage?
3. Are you afraid that you can't raise 4 children alone? You might as well be doing that now, you take care of everything anyway, he does nothing.
4. Do you really believe that God ordained your marriage? Or do you know that the only reason he married you is because you told him that you were pregnant and would NOT under any circumstances have another baby without having a husband? He married you for the SAME reason that he married the first psycho, to save his baby's life. Only with you it wasn't that noble, he also wanted to keep you from pressing charges after he raped you.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you're sleeping and someone needs to wake you up.
So that was a part of the first chapter, let me know what you think!
5:34 PM
OK..... Going BACK to MySpace to transfer......
Mar 10, 2008
Current mood: blessed
Introducing Kyndall....
Well, after weeks of waiting, I am finally introducing my baby girl to MySpace BUT for 24 hours ONLY! There are people that I REALLY don't want to see her! SO, I am only leaving them up for 24 hours. That should give my friends time to see her and then no one can say that I never gave them a chance to see her!
Last week Kyndall had a cold!!! Talk about me freaking out, I mean I sat with her ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Listening to every sneeze, every sniffle, every little cough. Then there were the nights that she didn't want to eat because she couldn't breathe through her little nose...I know....Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.. Poor thing was miserable, BUT Glory Be To God, she's all done with it now! I'm so happy that she's feeling better now. AND nursing up a STORM!!! LOL Yeah, she's back to her usual GREEDY little self! Believe me when I say though, I am NOT complaining. I'd rather have her greedy and well any day!
Kennedy and Karson are doing better too, Karson is getting over his allergies SO he's back to getting into EVERYTHING! Kennedy is loving school and even though she was sick, she didn't wanna stay home from school. When I was her age if I got sick I WANTED to stay home. My mom used to spoil me SO badly when I was home sick! Did anyone else's mom make a bed for you on the couch and feed you soup, crackers, ginger ale and popsicles in between your LONG naps? Does anyone else remember watching The Price Is Right and then your mom's soap operas? My mom was into Guiding Light and The Young And The Restless!!! LOL I didn't feel good those days BUT it was always made me feel better to be with my mom. I used to look forward to being sick sometimes because I knew what it meant, being with mom all day and having all of her attention to myself! Anyway, I'm gonna go now before I start getting misty eyed remembering those days! Later...
Dani
7:39 PM
This post was written while I was still speaking to Isaiah and I didn't really want him or anyone in his family peering at pics of my daughter trying to spot a resemblance.
Jun 13, 2008
Current mood: adored
Hey!!
Do you know how it feels to be FIRST in a man's life? Do you know how it feels to have a man that is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY in love with JUST YOU? Do you know what it's like to not have to hear constant complaints and judgements about YOUR life from people who can't even keep THEIR lives together? How about getting house-cleaning advice from someone who doesn't keep their OWN house clean on the regular? How about having money that YOU earned and are able to spend the way YOU want to spend it without someone else telling you how to spend it when THEY could use a few lessons on how to manage money? Isn't it precious to be able to raise THREE children ALONE and still do better than a household that actually has TWO parents? How about never having to look up and find that the lights, gas and/or water has been shut off?
Sorry about all that, I just had to vent for a few minutes! AND now that I'm done I will not mention any of that anymore! There's no need, just because I have decided to move on and forgive the things that have been done to me. I feel like if the Lord can forgive me, I should be able to forgive the people who wronged me.
Anyway, life is good these days. God has blessed me immensely and I really have no complaints! I am getting ready to MOVE!!! I am going to Atlanta, GA where I think I'll have a better chance of getting my ministry off the ground! I'm ready for the Lord to use me in a mighty way and am preparing myself for whatever He wants me to do!
The kids? Well, they're doing just GREAT! Kennedy, Karson and Kyndall are growing and getting more and more beautiful as the days go by! Kennedy is turning into a little lady who cares more about her appearance and now REFUSES to leave the house without lipgloss!! LOL Yes, the rest of her has to be together too! Her hair, her outfit..... Wait! She's turning out just like ME!!! LOL Now that the baby is here and I'm back to my fly and fashionable self, I don't leave the house looking crazy anymore! Karson is doing WAY better, he's a little man who is in love with his baby sister! I mean, all he wants to do is stare at her or hold her. And if she's crying, he comes and tells me "Mommie, hurry up and get Candle (That's what he calls her!), she needs you!" He wants to help me bathe her and dress her. It's really sweet how close he is to her. I hope that all of them remain close to each other. Kyndall? Well, what can I say about my other little lady? LOL She has changed SO much! I have made some decisions concerning her. I have decided to STOP contacting her "father" about her. If he was really all that concerned about her, he would find a way to help me with her! Now, I don't NEED his help, nor do I want anything from him! I have made sure that Kyndall has had everything that she needs...... Including a father!!! LOL She has all she needs, and I don't think it's fair to keep him apprised of what's happening in her life when he's not apart of it! So, I'm done with that! I'm over him and being abandoned by him and I refuse to allow my daughter to go through being second best to his other kids! SO, she has a man in her life who treats her Kennedy and Karson like they're his own biological children! He wants to MARRY me, and have other children with me! He wants to ADOPT Kennedy, Karson AND Kyndall! And I have decided to allow him to do so! Kennedy and Karson's father has agreed to give up his paternal rights. AND Kyndall? Well since her donor couldn't be bothered to sign her birth certificate, we don't have to worry about that!!!
So, while YOU'RE raising someone else's daughter and can't be bothered with your OWN blood, someone else will be raising Kyndall! Hope it's worth it to you! Have a great life being henpecked and controlled!!
Dani
2:55 PM
This post says it all.....
Current mood: blessed
Introducing Kyndall....
Well, after weeks of waiting, I am finally introducing my baby girl to MySpace BUT for 24 hours ONLY! There are people that I REALLY don't want to see her! SO, I am only leaving them up for 24 hours. That should give my friends time to see her and then no one can say that I never gave them a chance to see her!
Last week Kyndall had a cold!!! Talk about me freaking out, I mean I sat with her ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Listening to every sneeze, every sniffle, every little cough. Then there were the nights that she didn't want to eat because she couldn't breathe through her little nose...I know....Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.. Poor thing was miserable, BUT Glory Be To God, she's all done with it now! I'm so happy that she's feeling better now. AND nursing up a STORM!!! LOL Yeah, she's back to her usual GREEDY little self! Believe me when I say though, I am NOT complaining. I'd rather have her greedy and well any day!
Kennedy and Karson are doing better too, Karson is getting over his allergies SO he's back to getting into EVERYTHING! Kennedy is loving school and even though she was sick, she didn't wanna stay home from school. When I was her age if I got sick I WANTED to stay home. My mom used to spoil me SO badly when I was home sick! Did anyone else's mom make a bed for you on the couch and feed you soup, crackers, ginger ale and popsicles in between your LONG naps? Does anyone else remember watching The Price Is Right and then your mom's soap operas? My mom was into Guiding Light and The Young And The Restless!!! LOL I didn't feel good those days BUT it was always made me feel better to be with my mom. I used to look forward to being sick sometimes because I knew what it meant, being with mom all day and having all of her attention to myself! Anyway, I'm gonna go now before I start getting misty eyed remembering those days! Later...
Dani
7:39 PM
This post was written while I was still speaking to Isaiah and I didn't really want him or anyone in his family peering at pics of my daughter trying to spot a resemblance.
Jun 13, 2008
Current mood: adored
Hey!!
Do you know how it feels to be FIRST in a man's life? Do you know how it feels to have a man that is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY in love with JUST YOU? Do you know what it's like to not have to hear constant complaints and judgements about YOUR life from people who can't even keep THEIR lives together? How about getting house-cleaning advice from someone who doesn't keep their OWN house clean on the regular? How about having money that YOU earned and are able to spend the way YOU want to spend it without someone else telling you how to spend it when THEY could use a few lessons on how to manage money? Isn't it precious to be able to raise THREE children ALONE and still do better than a household that actually has TWO parents? How about never having to look up and find that the lights, gas and/or water has been shut off?
Sorry about all that, I just had to vent for a few minutes! AND now that I'm done I will not mention any of that anymore! There's no need, just because I have decided to move on and forgive the things that have been done to me. I feel like if the Lord can forgive me, I should be able to forgive the people who wronged me.
Anyway, life is good these days. God has blessed me immensely and I really have no complaints! I am getting ready to MOVE!!! I am going to Atlanta, GA where I think I'll have a better chance of getting my ministry off the ground! I'm ready for the Lord to use me in a mighty way and am preparing myself for whatever He wants me to do!
The kids? Well, they're doing just GREAT! Kennedy, Karson and Kyndall are growing and getting more and more beautiful as the days go by! Kennedy is turning into a little lady who cares more about her appearance and now REFUSES to leave the house without lipgloss!! LOL Yes, the rest of her has to be together too! Her hair, her outfit..... Wait! She's turning out just like ME!!! LOL Now that the baby is here and I'm back to my fly and fashionable self, I don't leave the house looking crazy anymore! Karson is doing WAY better, he's a little man who is in love with his baby sister! I mean, all he wants to do is stare at her or hold her. And if she's crying, he comes and tells me "Mommie, hurry up and get Candle (That's what he calls her!), she needs you!" He wants to help me bathe her and dress her. It's really sweet how close he is to her. I hope that all of them remain close to each other. Kyndall? Well, what can I say about my other little lady? LOL She has changed SO much! I have made some decisions concerning her. I have decided to STOP contacting her "father" about her. If he was really all that concerned about her, he would find a way to help me with her! Now, I don't NEED his help, nor do I want anything from him! I have made sure that Kyndall has had everything that she needs...... Including a father!!! LOL She has all she needs, and I don't think it's fair to keep him apprised of what's happening in her life when he's not apart of it! So, I'm done with that! I'm over him and being abandoned by him and I refuse to allow my daughter to go through being second best to his other kids! SO, she has a man in her life who treats her Kennedy and Karson like they're his own biological children! He wants to MARRY me, and have other children with me! He wants to ADOPT Kennedy, Karson AND Kyndall! And I have decided to allow him to do so! Kennedy and Karson's father has agreed to give up his paternal rights. AND Kyndall? Well since her donor couldn't be bothered to sign her birth certificate, we don't have to worry about that!!!
So, while YOU'RE raising someone else's daughter and can't be bothered with your OWN blood, someone else will be raising Kyndall! Hope it's worth it to you! Have a great life being henpecked and controlled!!
Dani
2:55 PM
This post says it all.....
Friday, November 19, 2010
Changed the name....
SO, you've probably noticed that I changed the blog's name. It still IS about my life and the experiences that I've lived through. It's still about what happened to me from October 3, 2006- November 3, 2007. I'll still be talking about how that my life here is still affected by my life there.
The children will only be mentioned when it is absolutely necessary. I do not wish to exploit my kids, if you read this blog it will be because you are interested, for whatever reason, in what I have to say. If you don't LIKE my blog, I don't know what to tell you, other than to visit another page! The internet is a HUGE world and there is really no reason for you to torture yourself by staying on a page and reading a blog that you don't want to read. Anyway, as more becomes revealed, I hope that I don't scare you away. I hope that you can read this blog and see the woman I was and the woman that I became as a result of my experiences..... God Bless, and you pray for me as I pray for you.....
The children will only be mentioned when it is absolutely necessary. I do not wish to exploit my kids, if you read this blog it will be because you are interested, for whatever reason, in what I have to say. If you don't LIKE my blog, I don't know what to tell you, other than to visit another page! The internet is a HUGE world and there is really no reason for you to torture yourself by staying on a page and reading a blog that you don't want to read. Anyway, as more becomes revealed, I hope that I don't scare you away. I hope that you can read this blog and see the woman I was and the woman that I became as a result of my experiences..... God Bless, and you pray for me as I pray for you.....
Thursday, November 18, 2010
You know what?
Greetings.....
I was reading a blog today and I realized that while there are many blogs out there that are for the women that have been cheated on, there aren't very many (if any) for those of us who cheated WITH the man. I know why. It's because there's a stigma of "the other woman". Well, I'd like to break that stigma. All "other women" are not whores, sluts or tramps. Some are simply women, like myself, who were lied to and made to believe that one thing was true when it wasn't. Those of us whose feelings were taken advantage of and then trampled. All of us are not waiting at home in skimpy lingerie, in full make-up, with sweetly frangranced skin, lying in wait for YOUR husband. We are not all out stalking him, and constantly calling him to come over to make love to us. Sure, there are some women who fall into that category, BUT all of us don't. There are some, like me, who are pursued by YOUR man with an intensity that would frighten you if you knew about it. Some of us, like me, are living our own lives when YOUR man stops by and under the guise of friendship comes to MY house, pins me against the refrigerator and kisses ME. I was sleeping on several different occassions when YOUR "husband" snuck into MY house with the key that was supposed to be safely on YOUR key chain, climbed into my bed and was inside of me before I knew it, smiling like he was supposed to be there. With NO CONDOM on, telling me how much better I felt than YOU do.
These are the women that need to be represented. There are women who seek out married men, I am not talking about those women. I am talking about the women that would have NO access to YOUR man if he didn't make himself accessible. I lived in Ohio for a YEAR. I didn't know the area, didn't have a car. AND I can't think of ONE time when I asked him to come to me, and yet he always did. Yet, you blame me. You call me the whore. There is a whore involved, but sweetheart, you're married to him. You choose to be. He came to me after making up lies for you. He told you he was going to get a haircut at 6 in the morning. YOU believed him. Yet, by 6am, he was in my bed, scaring me because I didn't expect him to be there. I can be blamed for not saying no, but who wants to say no to the man they love? Yes I did love him. I actually loved him before YOU did, loved him longer and harder that you can ever imagine. Yet, even as he ran to my bed, he runs away from the responsibility of the daughter that we made together. Even as now his "focus" is you, he used to focus on me in the same way, when he was begging me to let him come inside me. Inside ME, where he KNEW he wasn't supposed to be. I am embarassed that I ever let me touch me in such an intimate way. Ashamed that he's SO embarassed of acts that he was SO proud of that he blames ME for "drugging" him. Finally, I am sad that he's denying the daughter that you couldn't give him, the daughter that he said he wanted more than anything. The one I gave him.
That hurts more than anything......
I was reading a blog today and I realized that while there are many blogs out there that are for the women that have been cheated on, there aren't very many (if any) for those of us who cheated WITH the man. I know why. It's because there's a stigma of "the other woman". Well, I'd like to break that stigma. All "other women" are not whores, sluts or tramps. Some are simply women, like myself, who were lied to and made to believe that one thing was true when it wasn't. Those of us whose feelings were taken advantage of and then trampled. All of us are not waiting at home in skimpy lingerie, in full make-up, with sweetly frangranced skin, lying in wait for YOUR husband. We are not all out stalking him, and constantly calling him to come over to make love to us. Sure, there are some women who fall into that category, BUT all of us don't. There are some, like me, who are pursued by YOUR man with an intensity that would frighten you if you knew about it. Some of us, like me, are living our own lives when YOUR man stops by and under the guise of friendship comes to MY house, pins me against the refrigerator and kisses ME. I was sleeping on several different occassions when YOUR "husband" snuck into MY house with the key that was supposed to be safely on YOUR key chain, climbed into my bed and was inside of me before I knew it, smiling like he was supposed to be there. With NO CONDOM on, telling me how much better I felt than YOU do.
These are the women that need to be represented. There are women who seek out married men, I am not talking about those women. I am talking about the women that would have NO access to YOUR man if he didn't make himself accessible. I lived in Ohio for a YEAR. I didn't know the area, didn't have a car. AND I can't think of ONE time when I asked him to come to me, and yet he always did. Yet, you blame me. You call me the whore. There is a whore involved, but sweetheart, you're married to him. You choose to be. He came to me after making up lies for you. He told you he was going to get a haircut at 6 in the morning. YOU believed him. Yet, by 6am, he was in my bed, scaring me because I didn't expect him to be there. I can be blamed for not saying no, but who wants to say no to the man they love? Yes I did love him. I actually loved him before YOU did, loved him longer and harder that you can ever imagine. Yet, even as he ran to my bed, he runs away from the responsibility of the daughter that we made together. Even as now his "focus" is you, he used to focus on me in the same way, when he was begging me to let him come inside me. Inside ME, where he KNEW he wasn't supposed to be. I am embarassed that I ever let me touch me in such an intimate way. Ashamed that he's SO embarassed of acts that he was SO proud of that he blames ME for "drugging" him. Finally, I am sad that he's denying the daughter that you couldn't give him, the daughter that he said he wanted more than anything. The one I gave him.
That hurts more than anything......
Lately....
Now I am still switching posts from my MySpace blog to this one, however I will take a break today to let you know what's been going on as of late. Now if you've been keeping up, you'll remember that while I have been quite verbal about my situation in my journals and blogs that I have been very quiet about it in my personal life. So, imagine my surprise when I found out that not only was Isaiah denying that he was my baby's father, but he is also denying that he ever willingly slept with me!!!
My good friend, Whit and I started discussing what happened to me in Ohio shortly after I got back to Niagara Falls. She told me that it was being said that I was pregnant and in sin, having had sex with several different men. I had decided within myself never to tell anyone what happened to me, I was content just to be quiet and let the Lord have His way in the situation, however I could NOT sit back and let them lie on me like that. SO, I told her what really happened. I told her everything, I was as transparent as can be and I held nothing back. Now I knew that the more I spoke, the more I was making myself look like a not so very nice girl, BUT I wasn't going to lie FOR him anymore. At that point, I still loved him but I had to heed my Pastor's advice and stop lying about the situation to people. ESPECIALLY people that I consider my friends. This all happened while Kyn was an infant so after not having heard from Whitney for a while, I thought that what I said was too much for her and that she wasn't speaking to me either. It was easy for me to believe that because everyone else had turned their backs on me. Anyway, a few weeks ago, Whitney and I found each other on Facebook and she asked me if things were the same between Isaiah and I. I told her yes, that I had not spoken to him since July of 2008. It was then that he made some "godly quote" on his Facebook page. When Whitney saw that, she got really irritated and wrote him a letter. She wrote it, but wouldn't send it for a few weeks because she wanted to make sure that I was OK with it. I will post some of it after I ask her for permission. Anyway, in the letter she basically tells him what she knows and that it disgusts her that he isn't trying to help me. She also shared my story with another friend of mine, one that I thought I'd lost named Dana. Dana wrote me immediately and apologized for believing the things they told her about me! NOW, all along, for THREE years, I am not saying anything about these people. People knew that my daughter's father was married to someone else BUT I didn't pull his name into anything. I took the WHOLE load alone. But while I was taking the high road, they were LYING on me to people, people who believed them and sadly, people who I thought were my friends.
So when Dana told me what they told her about me, I told her the truth also! I was NOT going to continue to be quiet when they weren't. After I told her, she quit the group! I never thought she'd believe me, much less leave the group. BUT I guess when the Lord touches someone's heart to believe you when you share truth, there's nothing that the lying party can do. Next, I was told that one of his group members was telling people that I drugged him. That the woman he lives with was telling people that she tried to reach out to me to talk (NOT TRUE), and that she asked me for a DNA test (AGAIN, NOT TRUE). She also told Isaiah that when she called me that I cussed her out, called her and Isaiah all types of names and made the situation worst. That was a HUGE lie because I never even got a chance to really talk. She was screaming and when she was done screaming, she hung up on me. It turns out that the years that they lived together have turned her into a great liar as well.
I have consented to confronting them via speaker phone, but he can't and won't face me. He will continue to lie and hide behind the real man of his "family". I had consented to the DNA test that was just bought up, BUT I have changed my mind. I have thought about it and I really don't see the advantage to it. He will never be in her life and he's struggling to take care of the people that he lives with, why should I expect him to take care of MY child, when I am doing a great job ON MY OWN? I am NOT struggling, my lights and gas are ALWAYS on, my cable is never shut off, my fridge is FULL of food and my rent is up to date. I'm positive that he cannot say the same. My children all have clothing, in their sizes, none of which were purchased BY someone else or from the thrift shop! Kyndall has pampers, wipes and everything else she needs. I will not wonder and worry about MY children's Christmas, as they will receive everything that are on their lists! My house is clean, thanks in part to the maid that comes every Thursday to clean what I don't have time to clean while I am working FULL-TIME and going to school for my BS in Health Administration. Kennedy and I work out 5 times a week, while Kyndall and Karson enjoy the other activities at the gym! I am singing again and I have a testimony about how God can love you even after your mess, if only you repent and walk in deliverance. You can't be delivered and STILL lying. Deliverance comes out of truth and I see now that he still doesn't know what that is. It's really sad that a 40 year old woman and a 38 year old man don't know how to live truth. That they continue to lie and hide behind a sin and yet believe that their "ministry" will prosper. I wonder if they know how selfish they're being by allowing people to sleep in that bear trap with them? They have some really talented people in their group who are trying to live right, but are being taught to spread lies about a situation that they know nothing about. Do they realize the danger that they have placed not only their souls in, but also the people who trust him to lead them? That's the part that is the most upsetting. They know the sin, and are walking in it knowingly but those other people know nothing. They are sinning and have no idea but they are still accountable because instead of taking Isaiah at face value, they should pray and ask the Lord for answers....
Oh well, whatcha gonna do? People believe what they want and NEED to believe......
More later... I promise....
My good friend, Whit and I started discussing what happened to me in Ohio shortly after I got back to Niagara Falls. She told me that it was being said that I was pregnant and in sin, having had sex with several different men. I had decided within myself never to tell anyone what happened to me, I was content just to be quiet and let the Lord have His way in the situation, however I could NOT sit back and let them lie on me like that. SO, I told her what really happened. I told her everything, I was as transparent as can be and I held nothing back. Now I knew that the more I spoke, the more I was making myself look like a not so very nice girl, BUT I wasn't going to lie FOR him anymore. At that point, I still loved him but I had to heed my Pastor's advice and stop lying about the situation to people. ESPECIALLY people that I consider my friends. This all happened while Kyn was an infant so after not having heard from Whitney for a while, I thought that what I said was too much for her and that she wasn't speaking to me either. It was easy for me to believe that because everyone else had turned their backs on me. Anyway, a few weeks ago, Whitney and I found each other on Facebook and she asked me if things were the same between Isaiah and I. I told her yes, that I had not spoken to him since July of 2008. It was then that he made some "godly quote" on his Facebook page. When Whitney saw that, she got really irritated and wrote him a letter. She wrote it, but wouldn't send it for a few weeks because she wanted to make sure that I was OK with it. I will post some of it after I ask her for permission. Anyway, in the letter she basically tells him what she knows and that it disgusts her that he isn't trying to help me. She also shared my story with another friend of mine, one that I thought I'd lost named Dana. Dana wrote me immediately and apologized for believing the things they told her about me! NOW, all along, for THREE years, I am not saying anything about these people. People knew that my daughter's father was married to someone else BUT I didn't pull his name into anything. I took the WHOLE load alone. But while I was taking the high road, they were LYING on me to people, people who believed them and sadly, people who I thought were my friends.
So when Dana told me what they told her about me, I told her the truth also! I was NOT going to continue to be quiet when they weren't. After I told her, she quit the group! I never thought she'd believe me, much less leave the group. BUT I guess when the Lord touches someone's heart to believe you when you share truth, there's nothing that the lying party can do. Next, I was told that one of his group members was telling people that I drugged him. That the woman he lives with was telling people that she tried to reach out to me to talk (NOT TRUE), and that she asked me for a DNA test (AGAIN, NOT TRUE). She also told Isaiah that when she called me that I cussed her out, called her and Isaiah all types of names and made the situation worst. That was a HUGE lie because I never even got a chance to really talk. She was screaming and when she was done screaming, she hung up on me. It turns out that the years that they lived together have turned her into a great liar as well.
I have consented to confronting them via speaker phone, but he can't and won't face me. He will continue to lie and hide behind the real man of his "family". I had consented to the DNA test that was just bought up, BUT I have changed my mind. I have thought about it and I really don't see the advantage to it. He will never be in her life and he's struggling to take care of the people that he lives with, why should I expect him to take care of MY child, when I am doing a great job ON MY OWN? I am NOT struggling, my lights and gas are ALWAYS on, my cable is never shut off, my fridge is FULL of food and my rent is up to date. I'm positive that he cannot say the same. My children all have clothing, in their sizes, none of which were purchased BY someone else or from the thrift shop! Kyndall has pampers, wipes and everything else she needs. I will not wonder and worry about MY children's Christmas, as they will receive everything that are on their lists! My house is clean, thanks in part to the maid that comes every Thursday to clean what I don't have time to clean while I am working FULL-TIME and going to school for my BS in Health Administration. Kennedy and I work out 5 times a week, while Kyndall and Karson enjoy the other activities at the gym! I am singing again and I have a testimony about how God can love you even after your mess, if only you repent and walk in deliverance. You can't be delivered and STILL lying. Deliverance comes out of truth and I see now that he still doesn't know what that is. It's really sad that a 40 year old woman and a 38 year old man don't know how to live truth. That they continue to lie and hide behind a sin and yet believe that their "ministry" will prosper. I wonder if they know how selfish they're being by allowing people to sleep in that bear trap with them? They have some really talented people in their group who are trying to live right, but are being taught to spread lies about a situation that they know nothing about. Do they realize the danger that they have placed not only their souls in, but also the people who trust him to lead them? That's the part that is the most upsetting. They know the sin, and are walking in it knowingly but those other people know nothing. They are sinning and have no idea but they are still accountable because instead of taking Isaiah at face value, they should pray and ask the Lord for answers....
Oh well, whatcha gonna do? People believe what they want and NEED to believe......
More later... I promise....
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Just found out....
Friday, March 07, 2008
To retaliate or not to retaliate.....That is the question...
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life
O.K....
I'm getting the sense now that maybe I should stay put for a few months. You know, save a little more money and let the kids get over their traumatic Ohio experience, they are both in therapy now! (You should hear some of the things that my children are disclosing to their therapists'!) I mean, I don't think I could be much angrier than I am right now. If even HALF of what my children are saying is true, then I was REALLY dumb to trust the people that I trusted there! I fell for so much, I find it amazing that my children aren't like TOTALLY insane. Kennedy is starting to sleep better now and Karson is starting to forget his little trials that he endured (HOPEFULLY!). I feel like I really failed them just to get away from my mom who I thought was trying to control me. It turned out that SHE has been my backbone these past months. I don't know what I would have done without her. And I'm not just talking about how she's helped me financially (Even though she DID that!), I'm talking about the emotional support. When I was pregnant and sick, she took care of me AND my children. she sat up in hospital rooms ALL NIGHT with me. She helped me not to go insane when I had to leave my baby in the hosptial because of her jaundice. She fed my screaming newborn daughter formula when I was hospitalzed with a suspected Pulmonary Embolism and I wasn't allowed to nurse because of the blood thinner. She's sat with me in doctors' offices, therapists' offices, hosptial rooms, waiting rooms and all just to be there, just to be supportive! She has been unbelievable, AND she's the ONLY reason that I'm just praying about these things that my children are saying about Ohio now.
To the people who hurt my children: (You KNOW who you are!)
I thought you loved them, and I thought that you were looking out for them BUT apparently I was wrong! I'm not going to retaliate; I'm going to let God be God in this situation. I could be ghetto (As you are!) and call your house and go off! I could jump the gun (As you always did!) and call the police and be ignorant. BUT I won't do that. There is NO room in my life for revenge. I am just going to continue to let my children get the help that they need and hopefully my little family can move on from here. There HAS to be a reason all of this that has gone on. I may never know until I meet the Lord and I can ask Him. I do know this though, I will NEVER be so trusting again. I will never take the word of someone over what my instincts tell me. My instinct was that certain people cared NOTHING for me or my children BUT I allowed myself to be convinced that I was wrong! I will never do that again. God gave me good sense, He gave me a great mind and intelligence none of which I excercised last year, BUT I promise I will now. Thanks be to God that I'm learning these things NOW instead of years down the road when they're grown and it would have too late to help them. I work in Behavioral Health and I see adults ALL the time who have mental problems and are on several medications because of things that happened to them, they were hurt when they were children. There's NO way I'm going to allow that to happen to my own children.
SO you who know the words of prayer, pray for me and my family and we will do the same for you!!!
In Him,
Dani
To retaliate or not to retaliate.....That is the question...
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life
O.K....
I'm getting the sense now that maybe I should stay put for a few months. You know, save a little more money and let the kids get over their traumatic Ohio experience, they are both in therapy now! (You should hear some of the things that my children are disclosing to their therapists'!) I mean, I don't think I could be much angrier than I am right now. If even HALF of what my children are saying is true, then I was REALLY dumb to trust the people that I trusted there! I fell for so much, I find it amazing that my children aren't like TOTALLY insane. Kennedy is starting to sleep better now and Karson is starting to forget his little trials that he endured (HOPEFULLY!). I feel like I really failed them just to get away from my mom who I thought was trying to control me. It turned out that SHE has been my backbone these past months. I don't know what I would have done without her. And I'm not just talking about how she's helped me financially (Even though she DID that!), I'm talking about the emotional support. When I was pregnant and sick, she took care of me AND my children. she sat up in hospital rooms ALL NIGHT with me. She helped me not to go insane when I had to leave my baby in the hosptial because of her jaundice. She fed my screaming newborn daughter formula when I was hospitalzed with a suspected Pulmonary Embolism and I wasn't allowed to nurse because of the blood thinner. She's sat with me in doctors' offices, therapists' offices, hosptial rooms, waiting rooms and all just to be there, just to be supportive! She has been unbelievable, AND she's the ONLY reason that I'm just praying about these things that my children are saying about Ohio now.
To the people who hurt my children: (You KNOW who you are!)
I thought you loved them, and I thought that you were looking out for them BUT apparently I was wrong! I'm not going to retaliate; I'm going to let God be God in this situation. I could be ghetto (As you are!) and call your house and go off! I could jump the gun (As you always did!) and call the police and be ignorant. BUT I won't do that. There is NO room in my life for revenge. I am just going to continue to let my children get the help that they need and hopefully my little family can move on from here. There HAS to be a reason all of this that has gone on. I may never know until I meet the Lord and I can ask Him. I do know this though, I will NEVER be so trusting again. I will never take the word of someone over what my instincts tell me. My instinct was that certain people cared NOTHING for me or my children BUT I allowed myself to be convinced that I was wrong! I will never do that again. God gave me good sense, He gave me a great mind and intelligence none of which I excercised last year, BUT I promise I will now. Thanks be to God that I'm learning these things NOW instead of years down the road when they're grown and it would have too late to help them. I work in Behavioral Health and I see adults ALL the time who have mental problems and are on several medications because of things that happened to them, they were hurt when they were children. There's NO way I'm going to allow that to happen to my own children.
SO you who know the words of prayer, pray for me and my family and we will do the same for you!!!
In Him,
Dani
MySpace Blog- February 21, 2008- March 1, 2008
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Ears?!?!
Current mood: embarrassed
Category: Life
O.K....
Ear piercing. Is it really that important that I get her ears pierced or am I just doing because it's expected? I mean, couldn't I wait until she's like..... 20? 25 seems to be a good age at which to put holes in my daughter's ears. (25 YEARS not MONTHS!) Mom is telling me that I should get it done NOW. Because as young as she is, she won't be able to mess with them. She doesn't have enough control to pull at her ears, and since she'll have just had her shots we'll be getting EVERYTHING out of the way! That sounds like a good arguement BUT I wanna wait because I don't want them to just have STABBED her up for immunizations only to take to the mall and have her MUTILATED there! Yes, I know that I'm being melodramatic but I don't want her to hurt TOO much. Anyway, I'm just gonna suck it up and have it done. Just get it over with! The sooner we get it over with, the better! Just pray for me, 'cause I have a feeling it's gonna be more traumatic for ME than it will be for HER!!!! LOL
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Well, I’m praying....
Current mood: determined
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
MY plan is to move to Atlanta this summer, but the question I'm asking myself is this; What is GOD'S plan for me? Does He want me and the children to relocate to Georgia? Will my ministry flourish there? Is my next home church there? Can my children and I be happy there? Is the help my children need to healthy and happy there? Those are the questions I'm asking God since there doesn't seem to be a REAL reason that I'm staying here in Niagara Falls. But since God's ways are not my ways, neither His thoughts mine, He could have a reason for my being back here right now. Hopefully, He'll reveal to me as I seek after Him. As I pray more and get into His word, these are things that I need for Him to reveal to me.
My children are doing well here, and they seem to be really happy now. But will they be happy if we live somewhere else? OK I gotta go feed my daughter, I'll write more about this later!
Dani
O.K. I'm back! It's so funny how opinionated someone so small can be! I mean, when she wants her food, she REALLY wants her food!! LOL She fell out on me and everything! LOL Anyway, there's not much more to say. I'm just praying and waiting on the Lord to tell me what to do. I hope that He answers me soon! I'm ready to start what He has for me to do!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Let me say this....
Current mood: animated
Category: Friends
O.K. I know that I have spent alot of time bashing Ohio, but quite honestly aside from the bad situation that I lived through there, I DID make quite a few great friends there! And all the times that I had there weren't BAD. Let me see; if I say of the 100% of the time that I was there, 55% of my time there wasn't THAT bad and I can say that I was sincerely happy there about 40% of that time! LOL That's not too bad considering the things that I was going through and again. the people I met there made the 45% of HORRIBLE feel bearable!
Anyway, my mother asked me a question today. She asked me if I didn't think that I might wanna move back to Ohio! Isn't that the greatest joke? She really likes Elder and Sister Malone and she thinks that I should take him up on his offer of help to get into an apartment and a job and move on back there. You know what? If Ohio was the LAST state on earth I would NOT go back there! It would really be too much trouble. Kennedy and Karson are settled here and doing well. The church we go to now is a nice place AND the baby's doctor is great! Yes, I know I'm planning to move away from here again, BUT not for a little while maybe 3-6 months or so. I want the baby to be a little older before I travel with her. AND that gives Ken and Kars' therapist to prepare them a little better before we go this time. The last time I moved, I didn't REALLY prepare them at ALL and ended up paying the price once I moved!
Where are we moving? Well, since I'm kinda tired of all this cold weather, I'm praying (YES, seriously praying!) about going down South. I have family in Atlanta so that would be a prime location for me, PLUS there are ALOT of churches down there where I can be used of God! (Not used of people!) AND since Mom is going to Florida, in Georgia I'll be ALOT closer to her. Closer than I would be if moved back to Ohio! Moving away to a new city is scary but it's not as though I've never done it before. I'll have my Chaddy (My buddy) to help me, and then Ja-Jo (My cousin) lives there along with my aunt so it won't be like I don't know anyone there. PLUS I have my cousin, Dana AND my sister is planning to move down there also, so I'll continue to pray about it.
SO, I'm going to go to bed now as I have a small person who will be cooing in my face in a couple of hours and then progressing to SCREAMING if I'm not smiling in her face with my breast out! LOL Babies are funny! Especially Smushyface (Kyndall), she has quite a little personality already. The way she looks at me
sometimes, I feel as though she knows more than she should! She's the most beautiful baby! Can be fussy, ESPECIALLY when she doesn't get her way but beautiful nonetheless! And then there are the two small people who have to get on their busses at 8:04am and 8:30am, so I'll have to be up at 6:00am..... Ahhhhhhhhhh, the joys of single Mommyhood Later, Blog!
Dani
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Doctors’ Appointment
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Life
Life is precious! I took Kyndall to the doctors' today since I was concerned about her weight gain. (I am breasfeeding.) And since breasts don't come with ounce measurements on the sides like bottles do, you HAVE to use your baby's weight to determine if she's getting enough milk. Well, let's see; Kyndall weighed 7 lbs and was 20 inches long at birth, when she was discharged from the hospital 6 days later she weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz. (still 20 inches long) and today at 6 weeks of age she weighs (DRUMROLL PLEASE!) 9 POUNDS and 10 OUNCES! AND she is 22 1/2 inches long, SO I guess she is getting enough! LOL I am really starting to enjoy my baby now that the post-partum depression is easing up. It was really hard coming to grips with the fact that her dad will not be around to help raise her, BUT it's not MY loss, it's his. I got her FIRST smile and her first bath and I get to see her every day. What a blessing she is to me. Kennedy and Karson's dad lost even more; I got the first smiles, first steps, hearing them call me Mommie, first teeth. All the firsts that God has blessed me to experience again with Kyndall! SO, I am feeling ALOT better about the situation! I CAN DO THIS BY MYSELF WITH GOD'S HELP!
I thank God for the companionship of the man that He has put into my life. I'm telling you it takes a REAL man to help with children that are not biologically his! And I'm grateful for the man I have. Just think, had I stayed in Ohio, I KNOW that I would STILL be miserable but God freed me from an awful situation and I will always be thankful for the second chance that He has given!
September 23, 2010
These entried were right after Kyndall was born in January. I was going through Postpartum Depression and trying to be cheerful! I can't tell if it was working or not but I certainly tried. I was feeling miserable about my life at that point. It's kinda hard to go back and read some of the posts. I was just finding out alot of things about what this dude did to my kids....
Ears?!?!
Current mood: embarrassed
Category: Life
O.K....
Ear piercing. Is it really that important that I get her ears pierced or am I just doing because it's expected? I mean, couldn't I wait until she's like..... 20? 25 seems to be a good age at which to put holes in my daughter's ears. (25 YEARS not MONTHS!) Mom is telling me that I should get it done NOW. Because as young as she is, she won't be able to mess with them. She doesn't have enough control to pull at her ears, and since she'll have just had her shots we'll be getting EVERYTHING out of the way! That sounds like a good arguement BUT I wanna wait because I don't want them to just have STABBED her up for immunizations only to take to the mall and have her MUTILATED there! Yes, I know that I'm being melodramatic but I don't want her to hurt TOO much. Anyway, I'm just gonna suck it up and have it done. Just get it over with! The sooner we get it over with, the better! Just pray for me, 'cause I have a feeling it's gonna be more traumatic for ME than it will be for HER!!!! LOL
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Well, I’m praying....
Current mood: determined
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
MY plan is to move to Atlanta this summer, but the question I'm asking myself is this; What is GOD'S plan for me? Does He want me and the children to relocate to Georgia? Will my ministry flourish there? Is my next home church there? Can my children and I be happy there? Is the help my children need to healthy and happy there? Those are the questions I'm asking God since there doesn't seem to be a REAL reason that I'm staying here in Niagara Falls. But since God's ways are not my ways, neither His thoughts mine, He could have a reason for my being back here right now. Hopefully, He'll reveal to me as I seek after Him. As I pray more and get into His word, these are things that I need for Him to reveal to me.
My children are doing well here, and they seem to be really happy now. But will they be happy if we live somewhere else? OK I gotta go feed my daughter, I'll write more about this later!
Dani
O.K. I'm back! It's so funny how opinionated someone so small can be! I mean, when she wants her food, she REALLY wants her food!! LOL She fell out on me and everything! LOL Anyway, there's not much more to say. I'm just praying and waiting on the Lord to tell me what to do. I hope that He answers me soon! I'm ready to start what He has for me to do!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Let me say this....
Current mood: animated
Category: Friends
O.K. I know that I have spent alot of time bashing Ohio, but quite honestly aside from the bad situation that I lived through there, I DID make quite a few great friends there! And all the times that I had there weren't BAD. Let me see; if I say of the 100% of the time that I was there, 55% of my time there wasn't THAT bad and I can say that I was sincerely happy there about 40% of that time! LOL That's not too bad considering the things that I was going through and again. the people I met there made the 45% of HORRIBLE feel bearable!
Anyway, my mother asked me a question today. She asked me if I didn't think that I might wanna move back to Ohio! Isn't that the greatest joke? She really likes Elder and Sister Malone and she thinks that I should take him up on his offer of help to get into an apartment and a job and move on back there. You know what? If Ohio was the LAST state on earth I would NOT go back there! It would really be too much trouble. Kennedy and Karson are settled here and doing well. The church we go to now is a nice place AND the baby's doctor is great! Yes, I know I'm planning to move away from here again, BUT not for a little while maybe 3-6 months or so. I want the baby to be a little older before I travel with her. AND that gives Ken and Kars' therapist to prepare them a little better before we go this time. The last time I moved, I didn't REALLY prepare them at ALL and ended up paying the price once I moved!
Where are we moving? Well, since I'm kinda tired of all this cold weather, I'm praying (YES, seriously praying!) about going down South. I have family in Atlanta so that would be a prime location for me, PLUS there are ALOT of churches down there where I can be used of God! (Not used of people!) AND since Mom is going to Florida, in Georgia I'll be ALOT closer to her. Closer than I would be if moved back to Ohio! Moving away to a new city is scary but it's not as though I've never done it before. I'll have my Chaddy (My buddy) to help me, and then Ja-Jo (My cousin) lives there along with my aunt so it won't be like I don't know anyone there. PLUS I have my cousin, Dana AND my sister is planning to move down there also, so I'll continue to pray about it.
SO, I'm going to go to bed now as I have a small person who will be cooing in my face in a couple of hours and then progressing to SCREAMING if I'm not smiling in her face with my breast out! LOL Babies are funny! Especially Smushyface (Kyndall), she has quite a little personality already. The way she looks at me
sometimes, I feel as though she knows more than she should! She's the most beautiful baby! Can be fussy, ESPECIALLY when she doesn't get her way but beautiful nonetheless! And then there are the two small people who have to get on their busses at 8:04am and 8:30am, so I'll have to be up at 6:00am..... Ahhhhhhhhhh, the joys of single Mommyhood Later, Blog!
Dani
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Doctors’ Appointment
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Life
Life is precious! I took Kyndall to the doctors' today since I was concerned about her weight gain. (I am breasfeeding.) And since breasts don't come with ounce measurements on the sides like bottles do, you HAVE to use your baby's weight to determine if she's getting enough milk. Well, let's see; Kyndall weighed 7 lbs and was 20 inches long at birth, when she was discharged from the hospital 6 days later she weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz. (still 20 inches long) and today at 6 weeks of age she weighs (DRUMROLL PLEASE!) 9 POUNDS and 10 OUNCES! AND she is 22 1/2 inches long, SO I guess she is getting enough! LOL I am really starting to enjoy my baby now that the post-partum depression is easing up. It was really hard coming to grips with the fact that her dad will not be around to help raise her, BUT it's not MY loss, it's his. I got her FIRST smile and her first bath and I get to see her every day. What a blessing she is to me. Kennedy and Karson's dad lost even more; I got the first smiles, first steps, hearing them call me Mommie, first teeth. All the firsts that God has blessed me to experience again with Kyndall! SO, I am feeling ALOT better about the situation! I CAN DO THIS BY MYSELF WITH GOD'S HELP!
I thank God for the companionship of the man that He has put into my life. I'm telling you it takes a REAL man to help with children that are not biologically his! And I'm grateful for the man I have. Just think, had I stayed in Ohio, I KNOW that I would STILL be miserable but God freed me from an awful situation and I will always be thankful for the second chance that He has given!
September 23, 2010
These entried were right after Kyndall was born in January. I was going through Postpartum Depression and trying to be cheerful! I can't tell if it was working or not but I certainly tried. I was feeling miserable about my life at that point. It's kinda hard to go back and read some of the posts. I was just finding out alot of things about what this dude did to my kids....
The transfers begin....
Today I'm going to start transferring things from my MySpace blog to this blog..... Don't worry everything is dated so you'll be able to find your place...
Friday, February 15, 2008
My new daughter....
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life
You know what's amazing to me? How much MORE I could love this girl NOW than when I did when I was carrying her. She was easier to care for when she was INSIDE, you know? All I had to do was eat the right things and drink alot of water. (WHICH I HATE!) Actually, I'm kinda dealing with the same things since I'm nursing her, BUT it still seemed so much easier. I wasn't CONSTANTLY worried about EVERY little thing like I do now. AND one would think that since I've done this before (TWICE), that I wouldn't be so nervous about everything now!
Karson and Kennedy had jaundice, BUT for some reason I freaked out when they told me Kyndall had it too. Maybe it was because they ended up keeping her in the hospital and I couldn't stay with her all the time. When Karson had it, they admitted him too, BUT I was able to stay overnight with him. With Kyndall I had to come, nurse her and then leave her there overnight. I hated that so much, leaving my baby in that HUGE hospital without me! AND then they made it worst when I couldn't nurse her for two days while they fed her formula! I STILL went to the hospital though, I was there for EVERY feeding. 8:00am, 11:00am, 2:00pm, 5:00pm 8:00pm and 11:00pm. I would have to miss the 2:00am and 5:00am feedings but I was RIGHT there for the 8:00am feedings!
This pregnancy and birth has been one of the most trying of my life, but God has seen me through it all. People who I just KNEW would be there for me during all this have been NO WHERE to be found. But I think that God was teaching me some things. He was showing me that the ONLY one I could depend on is HIM! And I've learned to TOTALLY trust in Him. He will help me to raise these children the way He sees fit. I've asked Him to be TOTALLY present in mine and my children's lives. Never again will I heed half-witted advice from people who really have no clue what they're talking about. All children are NOT the same and just because something works for one child doesn't mean that it'll work for all children. ESPECIALLY MINE!!! God has been good to me....
I'm looking forward to my life now. It's as though the ONLY reason I went to Ohio was to get my baby, and all the hell that I went through while I was there PLUS the hell I went through to get her here it's OVER now! I've paid MY price for MY part in the sin. And for that I'm grateful, because even after everything, it could have been MUCH worst.
The kids' fathers'? Well, I was kinda bummed out about that part of it, but NOT anymore. I am all they need, and regardless of what anybody else says or thinks, I'm doing a good job taking care of three children (two special needs) alone. They have everything that they need and most of the things that they want. They have a roof over their heads, utilities, clothing and food. The baby has EVERYTHING! Things have changed SO much. In Ohio all she had was a CAR SEAT! HERE, well my daughter has a crib (A beautiful canopy crib), a bassinet, a stroller, a boppy bouncer, clothing (she'll probably grow out of many of them before she can ever wear them!), bottles (that she REFUSES to suck!) I don't even have the room to tell of God's goodness to my baby. I had to leave so many of my things behind (NOT counting the things I have in storage!) but God has provided! We have a new church, which is wonderful, it reminds me of the church I was going to in Ohio. Elder Waymon Malone, he has been a HUGE blessing to me since I've been home! He calls to check on me and the children constantly and has told me that if I wanna move back there that he would set us up with somewhere to live AND a job! LOL Too funny, right? BUT I don't EVER wanna see Columbus, Ohio ever again! Anyway, I'm done writing for today. Maybe I'll try to write again soon. (If I have the time!)
Dani
September 23, 2010:
To make it less confusing, any LONG blog entries will be in their OWN post. Smaller ones will grouped together according to date. After I finish posting the MySpace entries, I'll continue my story....
Love to all,
Dani
Friday, February 15, 2008
My new daughter....
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life
You know what's amazing to me? How much MORE I could love this girl NOW than when I did when I was carrying her. She was easier to care for when she was INSIDE, you know? All I had to do was eat the right things and drink alot of water. (WHICH I HATE!) Actually, I'm kinda dealing with the same things since I'm nursing her, BUT it still seemed so much easier. I wasn't CONSTANTLY worried about EVERY little thing like I do now. AND one would think that since I've done this before (TWICE), that I wouldn't be so nervous about everything now!
Karson and Kennedy had jaundice, BUT for some reason I freaked out when they told me Kyndall had it too. Maybe it was because they ended up keeping her in the hospital and I couldn't stay with her all the time. When Karson had it, they admitted him too, BUT I was able to stay overnight with him. With Kyndall I had to come, nurse her and then leave her there overnight. I hated that so much, leaving my baby in that HUGE hospital without me! AND then they made it worst when I couldn't nurse her for two days while they fed her formula! I STILL went to the hospital though, I was there for EVERY feeding. 8:00am, 11:00am, 2:00pm, 5:00pm 8:00pm and 11:00pm. I would have to miss the 2:00am and 5:00am feedings but I was RIGHT there for the 8:00am feedings!
This pregnancy and birth has been one of the most trying of my life, but God has seen me through it all. People who I just KNEW would be there for me during all this have been NO WHERE to be found. But I think that God was teaching me some things. He was showing me that the ONLY one I could depend on is HIM! And I've learned to TOTALLY trust in Him. He will help me to raise these children the way He sees fit. I've asked Him to be TOTALLY present in mine and my children's lives. Never again will I heed half-witted advice from people who really have no clue what they're talking about. All children are NOT the same and just because something works for one child doesn't mean that it'll work for all children. ESPECIALLY MINE!!! God has been good to me....
I'm looking forward to my life now. It's as though the ONLY reason I went to Ohio was to get my baby, and all the hell that I went through while I was there PLUS the hell I went through to get her here it's OVER now! I've paid MY price for MY part in the sin. And for that I'm grateful, because even after everything, it could have been MUCH worst.
The kids' fathers'? Well, I was kinda bummed out about that part of it, but NOT anymore. I am all they need, and regardless of what anybody else says or thinks, I'm doing a good job taking care of three children (two special needs) alone. They have everything that they need and most of the things that they want. They have a roof over their heads, utilities, clothing and food. The baby has EVERYTHING! Things have changed SO much. In Ohio all she had was a CAR SEAT! HERE, well my daughter has a crib (A beautiful canopy crib), a bassinet, a stroller, a boppy bouncer, clothing (she'll probably grow out of many of them before she can ever wear them!), bottles (that she REFUSES to suck!) I don't even have the room to tell of God's goodness to my baby. I had to leave so many of my things behind (NOT counting the things I have in storage!) but God has provided! We have a new church, which is wonderful, it reminds me of the church I was going to in Ohio. Elder Waymon Malone, he has been a HUGE blessing to me since I've been home! He calls to check on me and the children constantly and has told me that if I wanna move back there that he would set us up with somewhere to live AND a job! LOL Too funny, right? BUT I don't EVER wanna see Columbus, Ohio ever again! Anyway, I'm done writing for today. Maybe I'll try to write again soon. (If I have the time!)
Dani
September 23, 2010:
To make it less confusing, any LONG blog entries will be in their OWN post. Smaller ones will grouped together according to date. After I finish posting the MySpace entries, I'll continue my story....
Love to all,
Dani
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
OT! Bishop Eddie Long...
Well, I thought that I wrote this blog to speak on what happened to ME while I was living in Ohio, but it turns out that there are other subjects that I want to speak on, so I shall. If you do NOT agree with what I am saying: PLEASE go elsewhere! The internet is HUGE and there are many web-sites that you can visit that WILL say what you'd like to hear. Today, I am going to talk about the Bishop Eddie Long situation.
First a summary:
Within the past few days, two young men came forward and filed lawsuits against Bishop Eddie Long for sexual coercion (among other things), now today a TOTALLY different young man came forward and filed a THIRD suit against him. His lawyers are categorically denying any and all accusations and his church members are denying that their pastor/Bishop committed these deplorable sins.
This is basically all anyone knows about the case, yet many people on Facebook and elsewhere are up in arms about his innocence or guilt. Honestly, I believe the accusations are true. I'm sorry but if you'd read the rest of my blog, you'll understand why I feel this way. After having lived a life not pleasing to God for an entire year, while pretending to be a true Chrisitian, I know that it can and is done. Anyone who is not LYING to themselves knows that all have fallen and come short of the glory of God and it is entirely possible that what these young men said happened REALLY DID happen to them! Everyone is dogging these young men for coming forward BUT what if they are telling the truth? Do you really expect Bishop Long to come out and say, "Yes, I am a perv that took advantage of young boys while climbing the ladder to become a powerful Bishop"? Are his lawyers supposed to say, "Bishop Long is a perv that coerced three, maybe more, boys into having sex with him and he is willing to step forward to apologize and make things right"? What about his parishiners? What should they say? How about, "Our Bishop is a perv who has been molesting boys, yet we love and support him because we are idiots"? It's no to all of the above! Everyone is saying what you would EXPECT them to say in this situation. Bishop Long is most certainly not going to cop to this. He's going to lie!
Now that I've said my piece about how I really feel about the situation, I feel better. I have chosen a side and if I'm wrong, I am. It has nothing to do with me and I really don't care what happens after this. I actually hope that the young men are lying, but I have a sad feeling that they are not. Bishop Long has alot to lose if he confesses, but not as much as if he continues to lie and is caught! People would be more sympathetic if he came forward and said he did it, repented and moved on. BUT if he continues to lie and it's found that these young men are being truthful, many people will find it hard to ever trust him again. I honestly do NOT feel sorry for him, he let himself be put in the postion of being accused. The people I feel for are his WIFE (Yes, I said wife), children (Yes, he has children) and his congregation. These are the people that he is accountable to for his actions. I pray that none of this is true, but if it is, he certainly has alot of blood on his hands.....
First a summary:
Within the past few days, two young men came forward and filed lawsuits against Bishop Eddie Long for sexual coercion (among other things), now today a TOTALLY different young man came forward and filed a THIRD suit against him. His lawyers are categorically denying any and all accusations and his church members are denying that their pastor/Bishop committed these deplorable sins.
This is basically all anyone knows about the case, yet many people on Facebook and elsewhere are up in arms about his innocence or guilt. Honestly, I believe the accusations are true. I'm sorry but if you'd read the rest of my blog, you'll understand why I feel this way. After having lived a life not pleasing to God for an entire year, while pretending to be a true Chrisitian, I know that it can and is done. Anyone who is not LYING to themselves knows that all have fallen and come short of the glory of God and it is entirely possible that what these young men said happened REALLY DID happen to them! Everyone is dogging these young men for coming forward BUT what if they are telling the truth? Do you really expect Bishop Long to come out and say, "Yes, I am a perv that took advantage of young boys while climbing the ladder to become a powerful Bishop"? Are his lawyers supposed to say, "Bishop Long is a perv that coerced three, maybe more, boys into having sex with him and he is willing to step forward to apologize and make things right"? What about his parishiners? What should they say? How about, "Our Bishop is a perv who has been molesting boys, yet we love and support him because we are idiots"? It's no to all of the above! Everyone is saying what you would EXPECT them to say in this situation. Bishop Long is most certainly not going to cop to this. He's going to lie!
Now that I've said my piece about how I really feel about the situation, I feel better. I have chosen a side and if I'm wrong, I am. It has nothing to do with me and I really don't care what happens after this. I actually hope that the young men are lying, but I have a sad feeling that they are not. Bishop Long has alot to lose if he confesses, but not as much as if he continues to lie and is caught! People would be more sympathetic if he came forward and said he did it, repented and moved on. BUT if he continues to lie and it's found that these young men are being truthful, many people will find it hard to ever trust him again. I honestly do NOT feel sorry for him, he let himself be put in the postion of being accused. The people I feel for are his WIFE (Yes, I said wife), children (Yes, he has children) and his congregation. These are the people that he is accountable to for his actions. I pray that none of this is true, but if it is, he certainly has alot of blood on his hands.....
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sidenote....
In case you haven't noticed, I have always referred to Isaiah's "wife" as such. I will not use her name in my blog and will not even make an effort to make up a name for her. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't even warrant a made up name, as even the ugliest name is too good for her/it. I also refer to her as "wife" because Isaiah confided in me that when he was divorcing his first wife that there were several papers that she neglected to sign, so instead of sending them back to her to sign, he forged her signature. According to Kennedy's REAL god-father, who is a lawyer, if ALL papers weren't signed by the correct party, the divorce and any resulting marriages are NOT LEGAL. Therefore she is his "wife".
Saying good-bye.... Then hello....
I had packed everything up, paid everything that needed to be paid, had bye bye dinners with friends and even said good-bye to my church family. My Pastor told me, from the pulpit, that he didn't want me to go. In front of everyone, he told me that I was not making a wise decision but that since he loved me like a daughter, that he would support me. Naomi had called a few days before because she found an apartment that she liked and I had sent the rent and security deposit to them. It was arranged that they would meet me with the keys on October 3, 2006 in front of the apartment. Cable was coming, the phone company would install my phone on the 4th and by the 5th, I would be all settled into my new home. My old house was packed up, had been packed since I returned from Ohio and I was ready to go.
Isaiah was worried about my driving such a large truck to Ohio by myself, he kept asking me was I sure I could make the drive. I felt fine about it but didn't so he decided to catch the bus to Niagara Falls to help me drive back. I paid his bus fare and he arrived on the big day! I was so excited to see him. As soon as we got a moment alone, we kissed and held each other until it was time to go get the truck. I still remember how happy I was to see him again. I couldn't believe that I was actually going to get to ride next to him in the truck for the next SIX hours. When we got to UHaul, they started giving me a hard time about a truck that I had reserved nearly a month before! I was livid, I had PAID for the truck in advance and when we went to get it, it was not there. While Mom and Isaiah were sitting in her car waiting for me, he got a call from his "wife", my mom heard her tell Isaiah that us having a hard time getting the truck was a sign that maybe I shouldn't be coming there! She denied that 'til kingdom come, when I asked her about it. Liar.... Anyway, shortly after her stupid comment, we got a truck! It was HUGE but it was a truck. SO, we went back to the house, packed it up and got ready to leave. Saying good-bye to my mom was difficult. I had to leave her when I left Syracuse to move to Niagara Falls, then I left her again, moving to Ohio. She kissed the kids and told them she would visit soon and if they needed her, to call her. Then she discreetly pulled Isaiah to the side for a brief conference and then off we went!
The drive was longer than it was supposed to be because we were given a junk truck. I know little Miss Insecurity probably thought that we screwed all the way to Ohio but she was WRONG! She was wrong about alot of things.We stopped once, and gassed up twice but the truck was the cause of a 6 hour drive turning into a 9 hour drive. We drove into Ohio at about 10 that night and his "wife" came to pick him up after he parked the truck. He made me come down to the parking lot to hug her, yes he MADE me hug you. I didn't want to, didn't even want to see you. But what he wanted, right? She went and got back in their van and I went back up to the room with Isaiah (he wanted to say good-night to me and the kids.). He kissed me, and told me that he'd see me in the morning. As I lay in the bed with my kids, I sincerely thought I was making a fresh start for us. I prayed that every transition would go smoothly and that I would fulfill whatever purpose I was there to fulfill. Then I fell asleep.....
Isaiah was worried about my driving such a large truck to Ohio by myself, he kept asking me was I sure I could make the drive. I felt fine about it but didn't so he decided to catch the bus to Niagara Falls to help me drive back. I paid his bus fare and he arrived on the big day! I was so excited to see him. As soon as we got a moment alone, we kissed and held each other until it was time to go get the truck. I still remember how happy I was to see him again. I couldn't believe that I was actually going to get to ride next to him in the truck for the next SIX hours. When we got to UHaul, they started giving me a hard time about a truck that I had reserved nearly a month before! I was livid, I had PAID for the truck in advance and when we went to get it, it was not there. While Mom and Isaiah were sitting in her car waiting for me, he got a call from his "wife", my mom heard her tell Isaiah that us having a hard time getting the truck was a sign that maybe I shouldn't be coming there! She denied that 'til kingdom come, when I asked her about it. Liar.... Anyway, shortly after her stupid comment, we got a truck! It was HUGE but it was a truck. SO, we went back to the house, packed it up and got ready to leave. Saying good-bye to my mom was difficult. I had to leave her when I left Syracuse to move to Niagara Falls, then I left her again, moving to Ohio. She kissed the kids and told them she would visit soon and if they needed her, to call her. Then she discreetly pulled Isaiah to the side for a brief conference and then off we went!
The drive was longer than it was supposed to be because we were given a junk truck. I know little Miss Insecurity probably thought that we screwed all the way to Ohio but she was WRONG! She was wrong about alot of things.We stopped once, and gassed up twice but the truck was the cause of a 6 hour drive turning into a 9 hour drive. We drove into Ohio at about 10 that night and his "wife" came to pick him up after he parked the truck. He made me come down to the parking lot to hug her, yes he MADE me hug you. I didn't want to, didn't even want to see you. But what he wanted, right? She went and got back in their van and I went back up to the room with Isaiah (he wanted to say good-night to me and the kids.). He kissed me, and told me that he'd see me in the morning. As I lay in the bed with my kids, I sincerely thought I was making a fresh start for us. I prayed that every transition would go smoothly and that I would fulfill whatever purpose I was there to fulfill. Then I fell asleep.....
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Home....
Jimmy and I had a BALL coming home. I was really quiet at first, because I hadn't really wanted to leave when I did, but it was what was best at the time. Isaiah and I were having a very hard time keeping our feelings to ourselves and if I would have stayed much longer, everyone would have seen what was up! Jimmy made me turn on some music and play DJ while he drove. We listened to everything! Rap, gospel and all, he had no clue that I could sing as well as I do and spent most of the drive asking me why I wasn't rich and famous yet! LOL It was really nice being with him after the pressure of the weekend. It was hard to be around Isaiah's wife, because I knew I was the one that he was supposed to be with, NOT HER! I felt that a man should be with a woman, not another man playing dress-up! She's nice, I guess, in her own country, no make-up wearing, mannish. nightmarish way but she has NOTHING ON ME! Yeah, I said it! When you compare the two of us, I am the best. I am usually not a phony person, but I really had no other choice. He wanted us to get along, so for his sake, I did my best.
The plan to get Jimmy home went off without a hitch and we drove back home, listening to some of the same music I had listened to with Jimmy. I was SO tired when I got back home, so I went to bed and the next day I immediately began to look for someplace to live in Ohio.... COLUMBUS, not Cincinatti.
Now there may be some of you (or all of you), may think I was wrong. Wrong for sleeping with Isaiah, wrong for loving him and wrong for moving to Columbus to be near him. I agree with you, but when you love someone and think that you see a way for the two of you to FINALLY be together, you snatch it. I wasn't thinking about his wife. I was thinking that NOW, after all these years, I have a chance to be with my first love, the one who was meant for me. He married her because she was pregnant, when we talked about marriage, it wasn't about an unplanned pregnancy, it was about being so in love with someone else that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them. Pregnancies would happen, several times, during our relationship but I never held them over his head, never made him choose between his freedom and the life of his child. What kind of desperate woman does that?
Naomi, one of the women in the group, a great soprano and a better friend (at first), sent me classified ads of apartments and when I found some I liked, actually went out and looked at them for me. I had alot of unfinished business in Niagara Falls, I wanted every loose end tied so that I'd be able to leave free and clear. I didn't even want to leave any outstanding bills here. I said good-bye to my choir, my church families and my JOB. Why did I give up so much? Isaiah, with his words and deeds, led me to believe that I was moving to my future, my future with him. He lied about everything.....
The plan to get Jimmy home went off without a hitch and we drove back home, listening to some of the same music I had listened to with Jimmy. I was SO tired when I got back home, so I went to bed and the next day I immediately began to look for someplace to live in Ohio.... COLUMBUS, not Cincinatti.
Now there may be some of you (or all of you), may think I was wrong. Wrong for sleeping with Isaiah, wrong for loving him and wrong for moving to Columbus to be near him. I agree with you, but when you love someone and think that you see a way for the two of you to FINALLY be together, you snatch it. I wasn't thinking about his wife. I was thinking that NOW, after all these years, I have a chance to be with my first love, the one who was meant for me. He married her because she was pregnant, when we talked about marriage, it wasn't about an unplanned pregnancy, it was about being so in love with someone else that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them. Pregnancies would happen, several times, during our relationship but I never held them over his head, never made him choose between his freedom and the life of his child. What kind of desperate woman does that?
Naomi, one of the women in the group, a great soprano and a better friend (at first), sent me classified ads of apartments and when I found some I liked, actually went out and looked at them for me. I had alot of unfinished business in Niagara Falls, I wanted every loose end tied so that I'd be able to leave free and clear. I didn't even want to leave any outstanding bills here. I said good-bye to my choir, my church families and my JOB. Why did I give up so much? Isaiah, with his words and deeds, led me to believe that I was moving to my future, my future with him. He lied about everything.....
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Good-bye Ohio.... For now..
Early the next morning, I thought I was going to get to sleep in, but nope! As sleepy as I still was, (Nothing like a good orgasm, I suppose) he called me and told me to get ready for church. That he would be by to pick me up at about 11am. It was only 8, but I decided to get up anyway. I figured today was my last day with him, and I wanted to look wonderful! PLUS, I wanted to get everything packed up so that I could check out. Packing? Easy. The reason it's so easy is because I don't leave everything lying around, when I'm done with it, I roll it up and put in the bottom of the suitcase which was open on the floor under the vanity. All I really had to do was lay out my outfit for church, take out the day bag, pack the change of clothes for after church and some things for freshening up just in case we had plans and pack up my make-up and other personal things and roll up my curlers and flat irons as I was done using them! There! At 8:15 I was all done packing! LOL Not even a record, I've been done quicker than that before. I opened up my laptop and listened to some music while I hopped in the shower, then I got dressed, finished my hair (which decided to act right after giving me hell all weekend!) and applied my make-up. Since the rental office was about two doors down and Isaiah was on his way, ( he called while I was putting my make-up on) I left the door open and went to check-out. When I got back, he was taking my bags to the car. I went in and did a sweep, making sure that I hadn't left anything. I grabbed my Louis and my laptop and we were out of there. WAIT!! Rewind................there of out were we and laptop my and Louis my grabbed I..... He came back into the room because he said, he just HAD to kiss me. We kissed for few minutes, not long because he was ruining my lip-gloss!! LOL PLUS we had to sit in the car for another five minutes trying to get my glitter off of his lips. Then it was off to church with his family. Church? It was OK, I was too busy trying to pretend like he and I were just friends in front of his "wife" and kids. It was a pretty boring service, with him making me uncomfortable because while I was trying to conceal what we had been doing, he was wearing it all over his face. I distracted myself by looking at what his "wife" was wearing. Wow. It was kind of sad, she was dressed like someone's grandmother. Just like it's possible to dress younger than you are, it's possible to dress older. A tip: If you have an outfit that your mom just love, GIVE IT TO HER! It's too old for you, just right for her. No make-up, whack hair. I just couldn't undestand why she didn't keep herself better. Oh well, it wasn't my place to tell her she looked whack, so I didn't. The kids were cute, the younger ones liked me immediately and I liked them too. Why? Because they were his kids, I loved him and I loved his kids too. If I was fake about liking his "wife", I was never fake about loving those kids.
After church we went to one of his group member's house to have a farewell dinner. For moi? Awwwww, how sweet! It was sweet too, everyone from the group was there and it was then that Isaiah decided to tell everyone that I was moving...... TO COLUMBUS!! What??? Huh??? I never planned to move to Columbus, my JOB was in Cincinatti! Why on earth would I move to Columbus? Where I would have to watch him be married to a woman that I don't even LIKE. To sing in a group that's mediocre at best? Why would I do that when I sing in a B O M B choir, one of the best in New York? To move from that to this, PLUS we never even DISCUSSED this. Why would he make such an announcement without even telling me? All of these things were running through my MIND, but when I opened my mouth all that came out was, "I'll be back in October."
I couldn't believe he put me on the spot like that but when I moved there I saw that it was par for the course. He wasn't running HIS house, so he had to run something, right? Anyway, it was time for me to go home. Home to tell my family that me and the kids were moving to Columbus, OH in ONE MONTH! Wow, right? Jimmy (the musician friend who came from Syracuse to play for GospelFest) needed a ride home so I agreed to take him back with me. The plan was to drive to Niagara Falls (it was closer) to get my mom, Cieyana and Kennedy (Karson was still with his TiTi), then take Jimmy home so that I wouldn't have to drive back alone. First, I had to say good-bye to Isaiah. Not an easy thing to do, this is when I knew I had to come back. At that point, I felt like I needed him, I knew I wouldn't have him as JUST mine, but I was willing to take whatever part of him that I could get. We were trying to figure out a good way to get back to New York, when Isaiah came over and said that he would take us to the thru-way. We thought we were on our way out when I saw that we were going back to his house. He got out of his car and told me to come in, told Jimmy to wait that he had something to give me. He did. He kissed me all over my face, my neck, my lips. Touched my face, my breasts, waist and yes my behind. However, this wasn't about sex, it was about us saying good-bye. I was going to miss him so much, while I stood there I missed him. I wanted to hurry and leave so I could hurry and get back to him. I loved him so much in that moment. I thought I would love him forever.......
After church we went to one of his group member's house to have a farewell dinner. For moi? Awwwww, how sweet! It was sweet too, everyone from the group was there and it was then that Isaiah decided to tell everyone that I was moving...... TO COLUMBUS!! What??? Huh??? I never planned to move to Columbus, my JOB was in Cincinatti! Why on earth would I move to Columbus? Where I would have to watch him be married to a woman that I don't even LIKE. To sing in a group that's mediocre at best? Why would I do that when I sing in a B O M B choir, one of the best in New York? To move from that to this, PLUS we never even DISCUSSED this. Why would he make such an announcement without even telling me? All of these things were running through my MIND, but when I opened my mouth all that came out was, "I'll be back in October."
I couldn't believe he put me on the spot like that but when I moved there I saw that it was par for the course. He wasn't running HIS house, so he had to run something, right? Anyway, it was time for me to go home. Home to tell my family that me and the kids were moving to Columbus, OH in ONE MONTH! Wow, right? Jimmy (the musician friend who came from Syracuse to play for GospelFest) needed a ride home so I agreed to take him back with me. The plan was to drive to Niagara Falls (it was closer) to get my mom, Cieyana and Kennedy (Karson was still with his TiTi), then take Jimmy home so that I wouldn't have to drive back alone. First, I had to say good-bye to Isaiah. Not an easy thing to do, this is when I knew I had to come back. At that point, I felt like I needed him, I knew I wouldn't have him as JUST mine, but I was willing to take whatever part of him that I could get. We were trying to figure out a good way to get back to New York, when Isaiah came over and said that he would take us to the thru-way. We thought we were on our way out when I saw that we were going back to his house. He got out of his car and told me to come in, told Jimmy to wait that he had something to give me. He did. He kissed me all over my face, my neck, my lips. Touched my face, my breasts, waist and yes my behind. However, this wasn't about sex, it was about us saying good-bye. I was going to miss him so much, while I stood there I missed him. I wanted to hurry and leave so I could hurry and get back to him. I loved him so much in that moment. I thought I would love him forever.......
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The big question.....
I know you are asking yourself if I slept with him during the visit. Well, rather than keep you in suspense I'll tell you: No we didn't make love. However, we did other things. We kissed, we made out and did alot of touching but we didn't sleep together that weekend.
Anyway, now that we don't have to talk about that again..... Today! LOL
I had a good night's sleep and a leisurely day at the hotel. I kinda wished I'd kept the rental so I could have gone out and done a little exploring instead of staying inside all day but I did get some things done, made some phone calls that I needed to make and such. Plus I wanted to check on my children and make sure they were OK, since I didn't get to speak with them immediately after I'd gotten in. Isaiah FINALLY called and told me that he was going to come and get me on his lunchbreak so I wouldn't have to sit inside all day so I got dressed and waited for him. He came pulling up about half an hour later with a HUGE smile on his face. I asked why he was smiling like that and he told me that he was just SO happy that I was with me. He came into the room while I finished grabbing my things. We DID make out for a while, but we couldn't do much more because he had to get back to work. He called his "wife" and told her that he was taking me to work with him. He asked if I wanted to go to his house, but I said NO WAY! I didn't really want to spend that much time with her, if I had my way, I wouldn't have seen her the WHOLE weekend! Sorry, but I did say that I was going to be truthful in this blog. While I did have to pretend to like her, I'm not in a position where I have to do it now! Do I like her? No. Did I ever like her? No.
We went to grab something to eat and then we went to his office. While we were there, we fooled around a little bit but not much because he had a few co-workers wandering in and out. We made the labels and cases for his CDs that he planned to sell at GospelFest and put them together. It sounds tedious but you have to understand where I was. I was IN LOVE at that point. Watching PAINT DRY would have been interesting because we were together! We flirted and played around until about 4 pm, after about 3 we were completely alone, so we did take advantage of the situation. We did a little more kissing, some dancing and just being with each other. That was my favorite part, just being with him....
After we left the office, we went to MicroCenter, he needed more supplies for the CDs plus he needed to return something (I never knew what). While he was trapped in customer service, I went to the Apple Store and bought him a surprise. He never even knew I was going to buy it for him! We left MicroCenter and went to get gas and something to drink. After he came out of the gas station, I presented him with his gift: a brand new, black 30GB iPod. He was SO happy, he nearly cried. He wasn't emotional because of the gift, he was emotional because he said that while he was always buying thing to make other people happy, that no one ever really did that for him. He kissed me and just looked at me for a long time. I was thrilled, he told me I was the only woman who really tried to make him happy. We weren't alone for too much more of the day, we were surrounded by group members and musicians and his family but I had that moment all to myself and I was happy about it.
Singing at GospelFest? Well, it was interesting. It wasn't GREAT, but it wasn't horrible either. When you're used to singing with people who can REALLY sing, it's hard to go backward. Think in these terms: How would you feel if you had graduated from college and now someone comes to you and tells you that you have to go back to Kindergarten? Singing has been my life for as long as I can remember and I've been doing it my entire life. I have performed with some of gospel music's greatest, so singing with singers who didn't know much, under the direction of someone who knew less was difficult. But hey! The things you tolerate when you love someone. There were a few red flags as to what I was dealing with while I was there, but I chose to ignore them, after all I had JUST gotten him back into my life and I wasn't going to let anything stop me from being with him. We didn't get to hang out alone that much after we sang. There was always so much activity so we just gave each other eyes every now and then. When we did get a moment, we kissed or hugged, that was usually all there was time for. That night, as he took me to the hotel, we were just riding along chilling out. We stopped by Wal-Mart and when we got back into the car it was raining. He started to take me to the hotel and the rain, the music and the way we kept touching each other's hands made it impossible to drive on. So, I asked him to pull over because I really wanted him at that moment. He did and we kissed and made out for about 20 minutes, we looked around and saw that we were barely off the expressway! He didn't even pull all the way over, that's how anxious we were to touch. We decided that if anything happened, then we didn't want it to happen in the car. It would be better, and safer, if we waited to get back to the hotel. We made it back and soon as the door closed, we were going at it again. I wanted to shower because we had been running around all day so he let me go. When I came out, he had taken his shirt off. He told me that as much as he wanted to make love that there was no time for him to do all that he wanted to do. But he DID want to put me to sleep, and that's exactly what he did.... Bliss....
Anyway, now that we don't have to talk about that again..... Today! LOL
I had a good night's sleep and a leisurely day at the hotel. I kinda wished I'd kept the rental so I could have gone out and done a little exploring instead of staying inside all day but I did get some things done, made some phone calls that I needed to make and such. Plus I wanted to check on my children and make sure they were OK, since I didn't get to speak with them immediately after I'd gotten in. Isaiah FINALLY called and told me that he was going to come and get me on his lunchbreak so I wouldn't have to sit inside all day so I got dressed and waited for him. He came pulling up about half an hour later with a HUGE smile on his face. I asked why he was smiling like that and he told me that he was just SO happy that I was with me. He came into the room while I finished grabbing my things. We DID make out for a while, but we couldn't do much more because he had to get back to work. He called his "wife" and told her that he was taking me to work with him. He asked if I wanted to go to his house, but I said NO WAY! I didn't really want to spend that much time with her, if I had my way, I wouldn't have seen her the WHOLE weekend! Sorry, but I did say that I was going to be truthful in this blog. While I did have to pretend to like her, I'm not in a position where I have to do it now! Do I like her? No. Did I ever like her? No.
We went to grab something to eat and then we went to his office. While we were there, we fooled around a little bit but not much because he had a few co-workers wandering in and out. We made the labels and cases for his CDs that he planned to sell at GospelFest and put them together. It sounds tedious but you have to understand where I was. I was IN LOVE at that point. Watching PAINT DRY would have been interesting because we were together! We flirted and played around until about 4 pm, after about 3 we were completely alone, so we did take advantage of the situation. We did a little more kissing, some dancing and just being with each other. That was my favorite part, just being with him....
After we left the office, we went to MicroCenter, he needed more supplies for the CDs plus he needed to return something (I never knew what). While he was trapped in customer service, I went to the Apple Store and bought him a surprise. He never even knew I was going to buy it for him! We left MicroCenter and went to get gas and something to drink. After he came out of the gas station, I presented him with his gift: a brand new, black 30GB iPod. He was SO happy, he nearly cried. He wasn't emotional because of the gift, he was emotional because he said that while he was always buying thing to make other people happy, that no one ever really did that for him. He kissed me and just looked at me for a long time. I was thrilled, he told me I was the only woman who really tried to make him happy. We weren't alone for too much more of the day, we were surrounded by group members and musicians and his family but I had that moment all to myself and I was happy about it.
Singing at GospelFest? Well, it was interesting. It wasn't GREAT, but it wasn't horrible either. When you're used to singing with people who can REALLY sing, it's hard to go backward. Think in these terms: How would you feel if you had graduated from college and now someone comes to you and tells you that you have to go back to Kindergarten? Singing has been my life for as long as I can remember and I've been doing it my entire life. I have performed with some of gospel music's greatest, so singing with singers who didn't know much, under the direction of someone who knew less was difficult. But hey! The things you tolerate when you love someone. There were a few red flags as to what I was dealing with while I was there, but I chose to ignore them, after all I had JUST gotten him back into my life and I wasn't going to let anything stop me from being with him. We didn't get to hang out alone that much after we sang. There was always so much activity so we just gave each other eyes every now and then. When we did get a moment, we kissed or hugged, that was usually all there was time for. That night, as he took me to the hotel, we were just riding along chilling out. We stopped by Wal-Mart and when we got back into the car it was raining. He started to take me to the hotel and the rain, the music and the way we kept touching each other's hands made it impossible to drive on. So, I asked him to pull over because I really wanted him at that moment. He did and we kissed and made out for about 20 minutes, we looked around and saw that we were barely off the expressway! He didn't even pull all the way over, that's how anxious we were to touch. We decided that if anything happened, then we didn't want it to happen in the car. It would be better, and safer, if we waited to get back to the hotel. We made it back and soon as the door closed, we were going at it again. I wanted to shower because we had been running around all day so he let me go. When I came out, he had taken his shirt off. He told me that as much as he wanted to make love that there was no time for him to do all that he wanted to do. But he DID want to put me to sleep, and that's exactly what he did.... Bliss....
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Oops!
Oh, and I forgot to mention that I DID keep a blog on my MySpace page, however since I don't really spend alot of time there anymore I'm going to start transferring the entries to this blog. I have that one blocked but after two years, I feel it's time people really know what the deal is. Why we aren't friends anymore? Why I REALLY moved? And last but not least, who my daughter's father is.....
A problem easily solved.... By me!!! (My visit to Ohio)
After he left, I assumed that we had gotten this "thing" between us out of our systems and that he would go back to his real life and I would go back to my very busy life. However, that was not really the case. As I wrote in a past blog, even after his wife and family came back from Syracuse he continued to call me as he did when he was alone. I began to ask myself, why isn't his wife more comcerned. I KNOW I would have wondered why, after 13 years apart, my husband NEEDED to talk to another woman constantly. At this point, I thought she was very stupid. There is no way I would have allowed my husband to talk endlessly with another woman, so I figured that he was right in his perception that she wasn't interested in him anymore. She wasn't having sex with him, wasn't showing him any kind of affection and at her OWN admission, doesn't really care for sex. I have a question; Why on EARTH would you marry a man who LOVES sex (AND HE DOES) when you don't? Ladies, if your man loves sex and you could take it or leave it, you may want to rethink your decision to marry him. Otherwise , you will spend your entire marriage getting cheated on. I guarantee it.
He called me at the end of August stressing because his "best" singer, (Not really, but OK) decided at the last possible moment to back out of an extremely important engagement that his group was scheduled for. He started off by hinting that he wished that I could come down just for that engagement to help out. Being very eager to see him again, I agreed to drive over to Ohio for GospelFest. I made arrangements for my children to spend the weekend with my sister and made the 5.5 hour drive with the group's CD playing so I could learn the material on the way. Pretty easy stuff but he thought I needed it.... Whatever.. Anyway, I got there late due to his bad directions! I went to the hotel first and called him to let him know that I made it to town. He sounded relieved, as I don't think that he really thought I was going to come down. When I walked into their rehearsal, he introduced me to his group, several of whom I fell instantly in love with. They were very nice people and made me feel at home, well except for one young lady. She was the only white GIRL in the group, (There was a white dude too) and thought, for some reason that she knew about black music than black PEOPLE did! LOL I found her amusing, figuring I would just deal with her attitude for the weekend and then never see her again after I went back home. Listening to the CD on the way into the city showed me a little of what to expect when I got there. You could tell that no one REALLY knew what they were doing as far as singing in a gospel group! Isaiah directed and ran the sound which seemed to bascially consist of making each microphone as loud as possible! I think he lives by the creed: The Louder The Better because that's all it sounded like. A bunch of noise in half harmony.Now, I am not going to say that he didn't possess some pretty good singers, he did. They just didn't sound GREAT together. His wife CANNOT sing, no not even background and it' PAINFULLY apparent that the only reason she's there is because she is "supoosedly" married to him. Another question: Why do musicians always choose wives that cannot sing and then hire singers? Wouldn't it be more cost-effective to simply marry a woman who doesn't sound like a post operative transvestite (AND looks PRE-OPERATIVE) to sing with you? That first rehearsal was uncomfortable and I spent most of the time fake smiling and acting like I was singing along. As I said before, a few of the singers were genuinely nice people and I am still friends with them to this day, however they need to find another group to sing with if they ever plan to be anything because he's crap and that's all he's going to be. Sorry, but the BIBLE says, if a man doesn't take care of his children that he is WORST than an infidel. God's word not mine....
After rehearsal, we sat around chatting and he wanted me to sing for everyone, however I politely let him know that I am NO trick pony. LOL I did NOT sing. He told his wife that he was going to take me to eat, drive me back to the hotel and that he would be home shortly. I don't think that she or I believed that but I made sure that's exactly what happened! He took me to Popeye's Chicken, which I had been craving forever, and took me back to the hotel. We sat in the car and ate, then went into the hotel room. Did we make love again? No. This time I talked to him for a little while, kissed him and sent him home to his wife. I think that seeing her made me uncomfortable about doing anything with him. But believe me, that feeling only lasted for that one night....
He called me at the end of August stressing because his "best" singer, (Not really, but OK) decided at the last possible moment to back out of an extremely important engagement that his group was scheduled for. He started off by hinting that he wished that I could come down just for that engagement to help out. Being very eager to see him again, I agreed to drive over to Ohio for GospelFest. I made arrangements for my children to spend the weekend with my sister and made the 5.5 hour drive with the group's CD playing so I could learn the material on the way. Pretty easy stuff but he thought I needed it.... Whatever.. Anyway, I got there late due to his bad directions! I went to the hotel first and called him to let him know that I made it to town. He sounded relieved, as I don't think that he really thought I was going to come down. When I walked into their rehearsal, he introduced me to his group, several of whom I fell instantly in love with. They were very nice people and made me feel at home, well except for one young lady. She was the only white GIRL in the group, (There was a white dude too) and thought, for some reason that she knew about black music than black PEOPLE did! LOL I found her amusing, figuring I would just deal with her attitude for the weekend and then never see her again after I went back home. Listening to the CD on the way into the city showed me a little of what to expect when I got there. You could tell that no one REALLY knew what they were doing as far as singing in a gospel group! Isaiah directed and ran the sound which seemed to bascially consist of making each microphone as loud as possible! I think he lives by the creed: The Louder The Better because that's all it sounded like. A bunch of noise in half harmony.Now, I am not going to say that he didn't possess some pretty good singers, he did. They just didn't sound GREAT together. His wife CANNOT sing, no not even background and it' PAINFULLY apparent that the only reason she's there is because she is "supoosedly" married to him. Another question: Why do musicians always choose wives that cannot sing and then hire singers? Wouldn't it be more cost-effective to simply marry a woman who doesn't sound like a post operative transvestite (AND looks PRE-OPERATIVE) to sing with you? That first rehearsal was uncomfortable and I spent most of the time fake smiling and acting like I was singing along. As I said before, a few of the singers were genuinely nice people and I am still friends with them to this day, however they need to find another group to sing with if they ever plan to be anything because he's crap and that's all he's going to be. Sorry, but the BIBLE says, if a man doesn't take care of his children that he is WORST than an infidel. God's word not mine....
After rehearsal, we sat around chatting and he wanted me to sing for everyone, however I politely let him know that I am NO trick pony. LOL I did NOT sing. He told his wife that he was going to take me to eat, drive me back to the hotel and that he would be home shortly. I don't think that she or I believed that but I made sure that's exactly what happened! He took me to Popeye's Chicken, which I had been craving forever, and took me back to the hotel. We sat in the car and ate, then went into the hotel room. Did we make love again? No. This time I talked to him for a little while, kissed him and sent him home to his wife. I think that seeing her made me uncomfortable about doing anything with him. But believe me, that feeling only lasted for that one night....
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Yeah, I'm back.....
Well, here I am! It is now 2010 and it has really taken me this long to decide what I want to talk about. There have been many things that have happened since I last blogged so, I haven't been in a great place to share my experiences while I was still living with the consequences of thos decisions. Transparency? Here I come.
Sooooo.... Hmmm. Trying to remember where I left off. Yeah, OK, we talked on MySpace for a while and then "graduated" to talking on the phone. I'm sure I mentioned that was a huge mistake. However, hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, he would call, even when his family came back. He would call me on his way TO work, while he was AT work and while he was on his way home FROM work. I had never heard so many declarations of love in my life. He was telling me how happy he was that I was, once again, a part of his life. How much he had missed me, and if, for any any reason, he found himself "free" again he would make certain that I was the one he would end up with. Did I believe him? Yes, and here's why; I had no reason to believe, at that point, he would lie to me. I thought of it as a second chance to be with him. Another woman's pregnancy and an overzealous pastor had taken him from me before, but that would never happen again!
As we grew closer, he began to tell me of his situation in depth. He told me about his group, and how they were blowing things up in Columbus. He told me about his marriage, which was OK, using his term. He said that his wife wasn't very sexual and didn't pay alot of attention to him. He felt ignored and unappreciated. I felt bad for him when he said that she treated him like one of their many children and not like the man he felt he should be treated. He said that she was so busy, with other responsibilities that she had taken on, that there was no room in her life for him. He loved me because I would drop everything just to speak with him. I paid attention, I listened when he talked to me. I didn't blow him off for anything, asking him how his day was. I soothed him when he had a rough day, she made the day worst by screaming on him for something she felt he had done wrong. BUT... He couldn't just LEAVE her, after all she had done so much for him. She helped get on his feet when no one else would. That comment bothered me simply because given a chance, I would have helped him with anything! Anyway, on and on he went with his explaination about why he couldn't leave. "She hasn't done anything to me, plus I'm grateful to her." then came the, "She takes great care of me." I was waiting to hear that he loved her but he never said that. I was confused, but quiet about it. If he didn't know how he felt about her, who was I to try and tell him?
In early July of 2006, Isaiah started talking to me more about his group. While he was focusing on that, I was focusing on accepting a job offer in Cincinatti, OH. I was working at an Assemblies of God church as Minister of Music in Buffalo and my pastor came to me with a wonderful opportunity. He told me of a church in Ohio that needed a Minister of Music. It was a larger congregation and I would be working with several of their choirs PLUS starting a choir for the new contemporary services. Perks included were: a car, an apartment at a discounted rent which was owned by the church and a salary of 27,000 a year. Now the salary may not seem like alot of money, but that was for working PART-TIME! 20 hours a week and nothing more. I went to visit for a weekend and was welcomed beyond anything I could have expected! They were surprised to see a black woman but they quickly got over that once I sang for them! I saw the apartment that my children and I would be living in and the car that would be leased to me. WONDERFUL!!! I couldn't wait to move. I had discussed it with my family and they were on board and now the only person I wanted to share it with was Isaiah. When I told him about the move, he was excited. Cincinatti wasn't very far from Columbus so there would be more opportunities to visit. I told him of the perks and he was very impressed, he had no idea that a church would pay someone a salary "just" to do what I do. So, with that I prepared myself to move to Cincinatti. While I was packing up to move to Cincinatti, he was going to Syracuse for a choir workshop that he does yearly. While he was there, we continued to talk daily even if he had to "sneak" away to do it. He loved talking to me, that's what he said , so we talked alot while he was there. His wife decided that she wanted to stay until after the Memorial Day holiday but he had to get back to work. So he rented a car and left early so he could be back at work Monday morning. Well, that's what he told her.... What he neglected to tell her was that he was going to come see me instead of going straight home. It was a last-minute decision on his part. First the plan was for him to catch the bus home, and while he was on layover, I would come over to Buffalo to sit with him until his bus came. He said he would do better than that, he didn't want his first time seeing me to be in a bus station! He called me back, that afternoon and told me he was renting a car and that he would drive to my house but that he would only be able to spend a few hours with me because he had to get back for work. Do I really need to say that he called in? Anyway, he showed up at 3:00am! I had spent the whole day cleaning and getting everything ready for his visit. I knew he would be tired so I changed the sheets on my bed and made sure there were clean towels so he could shower and go to bed. Now, I know it sounds like I was preparing to sleep with him. BUT quite honestly, while I WANTED to, I knew what would happen if I did. I already had strong feelings for him but I was moving to Cincinatti and he was married so making love would make things worst, right? Right! So we shouldn't do that, right? Right!! So, we were responsible and we didn't do anything, right? Wrong! WAIT!! I'm ahead of myself here! He called to let me know that he had just got off of the thru-way and wanted to know where an open store was because he needed to pick up some things. I gave him directions to Tops and he told me he would see me shortly. I was sitting on my porch waiting to see him and just when I thought I would die of suspense, the Toyota Corolla he was driving turned onto my street. I stood up and waved and he stopped and got out. We finally saw each other after nearly 9 years and it was everything I thought it would be. He looked the same, just alot bigger than I remembered and I was alot smaller than he remembered. LOL When he got out of the car, he just looked at me and held me for the longest time standing on my porch. The next thing I knew, we were kissing. We hadn't even spoken yet, but we sure couldn't stop kissing! I was so happy to see him and I PRAYED that my kids wouldn't wake up because I knew then what I wanted to do. He knew what he wanted before I did. He asked me where a store was, remember? Well, he wanted to get condoms, among other things......
Now I know I said I was going to be transparent, but not THAT transparent! I mean, do you REALLY wanna know everything that happened? O.K.!!! Here's the PG-13 version: We kissed, we talked, we kissed some more, we touched each other intimately. Then we got undressed, touched some more, talked some more, made other noises, made love. Then he touched me with his mouth, I touched him with mine, we kissed a whole lot more. We told each other how good it was. We made love again. Used all the condoms.... Good enough?
We got up with the sun and the kids woke up too. He showered and then I did. He got reacquainted with Kenny and met Kars. Said hello to my mom who came down to see him. Then we kissed and said good-bye. We tried to make it fast because it wasn't easy. I didn't want him to go and he didn't want to go. But he had to...
Sooooo.... Hmmm. Trying to remember where I left off. Yeah, OK, we talked on MySpace for a while and then "graduated" to talking on the phone. I'm sure I mentioned that was a huge mistake. However, hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, he would call, even when his family came back. He would call me on his way TO work, while he was AT work and while he was on his way home FROM work. I had never heard so many declarations of love in my life. He was telling me how happy he was that I was, once again, a part of his life. How much he had missed me, and if, for any any reason, he found himself "free" again he would make certain that I was the one he would end up with. Did I believe him? Yes, and here's why; I had no reason to believe, at that point, he would lie to me. I thought of it as a second chance to be with him. Another woman's pregnancy and an overzealous pastor had taken him from me before, but that would never happen again!
As we grew closer, he began to tell me of his situation in depth. He told me about his group, and how they were blowing things up in Columbus. He told me about his marriage, which was OK, using his term. He said that his wife wasn't very sexual and didn't pay alot of attention to him. He felt ignored and unappreciated. I felt bad for him when he said that she treated him like one of their many children and not like the man he felt he should be treated. He said that she was so busy, with other responsibilities that she had taken on, that there was no room in her life for him. He loved me because I would drop everything just to speak with him. I paid attention, I listened when he talked to me. I didn't blow him off for anything, asking him how his day was. I soothed him when he had a rough day, she made the day worst by screaming on him for something she felt he had done wrong. BUT... He couldn't just LEAVE her, after all she had done so much for him. She helped get on his feet when no one else would. That comment bothered me simply because given a chance, I would have helped him with anything! Anyway, on and on he went with his explaination about why he couldn't leave. "She hasn't done anything to me, plus I'm grateful to her." then came the, "She takes great care of me." I was waiting to hear that he loved her but he never said that. I was confused, but quiet about it. If he didn't know how he felt about her, who was I to try and tell him?
In early July of 2006, Isaiah started talking to me more about his group. While he was focusing on that, I was focusing on accepting a job offer in Cincinatti, OH. I was working at an Assemblies of God church as Minister of Music in Buffalo and my pastor came to me with a wonderful opportunity. He told me of a church in Ohio that needed a Minister of Music. It was a larger congregation and I would be working with several of their choirs PLUS starting a choir for the new contemporary services. Perks included were: a car, an apartment at a discounted rent which was owned by the church and a salary of 27,000 a year. Now the salary may not seem like alot of money, but that was for working PART-TIME! 20 hours a week and nothing more. I went to visit for a weekend and was welcomed beyond anything I could have expected! They were surprised to see a black woman but they quickly got over that once I sang for them! I saw the apartment that my children and I would be living in and the car that would be leased to me. WONDERFUL!!! I couldn't wait to move. I had discussed it with my family and they were on board and now the only person I wanted to share it with was Isaiah. When I told him about the move, he was excited. Cincinatti wasn't very far from Columbus so there would be more opportunities to visit. I told him of the perks and he was very impressed, he had no idea that a church would pay someone a salary "just" to do what I do. So, with that I prepared myself to move to Cincinatti. While I was packing up to move to Cincinatti, he was going to Syracuse for a choir workshop that he does yearly. While he was there, we continued to talk daily even if he had to "sneak" away to do it. He loved talking to me, that's what he said , so we talked alot while he was there. His wife decided that she wanted to stay until after the Memorial Day holiday but he had to get back to work. So he rented a car and left early so he could be back at work Monday morning. Well, that's what he told her.... What he neglected to tell her was that he was going to come see me instead of going straight home. It was a last-minute decision on his part. First the plan was for him to catch the bus home, and while he was on layover, I would come over to Buffalo to sit with him until his bus came. He said he would do better than that, he didn't want his first time seeing me to be in a bus station! He called me back, that afternoon and told me he was renting a car and that he would drive to my house but that he would only be able to spend a few hours with me because he had to get back for work. Do I really need to say that he called in? Anyway, he showed up at 3:00am! I had spent the whole day cleaning and getting everything ready for his visit. I knew he would be tired so I changed the sheets on my bed and made sure there were clean towels so he could shower and go to bed. Now, I know it sounds like I was preparing to sleep with him. BUT quite honestly, while I WANTED to, I knew what would happen if I did. I already had strong feelings for him but I was moving to Cincinatti and he was married so making love would make things worst, right? Right! So we shouldn't do that, right? Right!! So, we were responsible and we didn't do anything, right? Wrong! WAIT!! I'm ahead of myself here! He called to let me know that he had just got off of the thru-way and wanted to know where an open store was because he needed to pick up some things. I gave him directions to Tops and he told me he would see me shortly. I was sitting on my porch waiting to see him and just when I thought I would die of suspense, the Toyota Corolla he was driving turned onto my street. I stood up and waved and he stopped and got out. We finally saw each other after nearly 9 years and it was everything I thought it would be. He looked the same, just alot bigger than I remembered and I was alot smaller than he remembered. LOL When he got out of the car, he just looked at me and held me for the longest time standing on my porch. The next thing I knew, we were kissing. We hadn't even spoken yet, but we sure couldn't stop kissing! I was so happy to see him and I PRAYED that my kids wouldn't wake up because I knew then what I wanted to do. He knew what he wanted before I did. He asked me where a store was, remember? Well, he wanted to get condoms, among other things......
Now I know I said I was going to be transparent, but not THAT transparent! I mean, do you REALLY wanna know everything that happened? O.K.!!! Here's the PG-13 version: We kissed, we talked, we kissed some more, we touched each other intimately. Then we got undressed, touched some more, talked some more, made other noises, made love. Then he touched me with his mouth, I touched him with mine, we kissed a whole lot more. We told each other how good it was. We made love again. Used all the condoms.... Good enough?
We got up with the sun and the kids woke up too. He showered and then I did. He got reacquainted with Kenny and met Kars. Said hello to my mom who came down to see him. Then we kissed and said good-bye. We tried to make it fast because it wasn't easy. I didn't want him to go and he didn't want to go. But he had to...
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