Well....

I find myself a little shaken today. After not hearing a peep from Isaiah for well over two years, I check my e-mail today and there was a letter from him. I thought that if I ever heard from him again, that I would lose it, no matter what he was writing me for. But I couldn't. I have come too far in this to actually make a fool of myself over a man that I don't even love anymore, a man who I know never loved me in the first place. Anyway, here is a copy of the letter he wrote:

First of all let me give you a disclaimer before you even start to read this. I am sending this with all sincerity, no hidden agendas, nobody is coaching me, I'm not being forced, and this is not a last resort effort. I am sending this because I know I need to.


In spite of everything that has been said and done on both of our parts, the true and the untrue, I still care about you and all the kids. I know this can be a strain and I certainly don't want to be anymore of a hindrance that takes your focus off of raising them. I know you will go to hell and back for them. A lot of things have been said and done, and I do know that everything that was said true or not was not necessarily your exact words and some of the details were twisted as being told by others. So just know that goes the same for me. A lot of things that were said from this side of the fence were NOT said or started by me. We were told things by different people concerning your conversations with them either when you were here or after you left. I personally have never got into a conversation about any of this with anyone except Tameka, my pastor, and of course Wendy. And even when Wendy first asked me about you awhile back well before she went off on me, I didn't bash you at all. and you can ask her. The recent uproar of all this is actually from you contacting people and telling them all you have been telling them, and that just starts more trouble, and more people talking.


So listen, this is not as secret on my end as you think and being there and not here you are not getting the full picture. Mostly everyone here either in the group or my inner circle know about this now. And the focus of them knowing is the fact that I fell from grace a few years back, it was my fault, I can't blame anybody else, because no matter what if I was where I was supposed to be in God that wouldn't have happened. And I have been trying to climb my way up from the fall every since. Most of them unless they were in the group at that time don't even know who it was, because I don't even mention your name. The names and details aren't as important as the act. So everyone basically knows and they are still with me, and have forgiven. It is very unfortunate that all this has gone down. And I will take the blame. I should have known better, and I was in leadership so yeah, by right it makes it my fault. That's what God says, to whom much is given much is required, and I failed. I failed you, I failed the ministry, and I failed my marriage. So I have been trying to repair it all since the fall.


Look, you have made it abundantly clear that you want nothing to do with me. You have vowed to dedicate your life to being a good mother and raise your children to the best of your ability, and I know you will do that. So I wont bother you after this, I got nothing to say to anyone concerning you, else after this. I am asking for your forgiveness for ALL the wrong I have done or said to you, and like I said, a lot I didn't say or do, but nevertheless I take it all in and ask for your forgiveness.


And yes, I have totally forgiven you for all that has been said, true or not(I'm not sure if you want or need it, but you got it), we have to move on and as long as we hold this we can only go so far.


also your hotmail account is sending out spam emails, FYI


-- Israel

The first thing I did after reading this "letter" is I went immediately to my Hotmail account and changed my password and settings. Then I re-read the "letter" to decided whether or not I wanted to respond. First of all, anyone who knows me knows that I can't just sit back and let someone (even someone I despise) think untruths about me, so OF COURSE I responded. My response was to let him know that even while he thought I was living my life just to make his miserable, that I was paying NO attention to him and his sorry "wife". While I was posting to my blog, I was NOT discussing this with ANYONE IRL! I was venting on my blog while he was seriously lying on me about everything.I also didn't want to disrespect him by not even acknowledging his letter. I wanted him to know that I received it, read it and this is how I feel about the misconceptions that you put in my inbox. Anyway, here's my response to him:

Israel,



As you said yourself, there are many things thaat have been said true and untrue, but there is something that you really need to know. I have NOT contacted anyone concerning this situation. Anything that I told ANYONE was because they contacted ME first. Wendy only knows what she knows, not because of ME but because of you and the lies about me that she said you that YOU told her. I corrected her.Wendy and I spoke about this when my daughter was an INFANT, her knowledge of this not new. After we spoke all those years ago, we lost touch. I think it was mainly because I had gone on with my life and wasn't on MySpace anymore. She left a message for me on MySpace and I happened to check my mail. She told me that she had a new Facebook page and we became friends there, This was about 6-8 weeks ago, she asked me what was new and had you contacted me, I told her no. I told her that I hadn't heard from you since July 2008, which is true. Then I told her that the only thing that I had heard was that you had been at my UHaul storage. THEY called me a few weeks ago and when I asked for a description, it sounded like you so that's who I thought it was. She became angry, I'm assuming because you hadn't even inquired about my baby and wanted to write you. She sent me a copy of the letter and then sent it to you. She wanted to know if I had any issues with her writing and I told her to do what she had to do. NOW, again, whether you believe me or NOT, I have not contacted anyone about you. Why would I do that now? The time to do it would have been when I was mad at you, but I was minding my business. Kyndall is nearly three, what would I gain from bringing this up. You did exactly what I expected you to do. You went away.


Now after the letter, Danielle got involved. If you ask her, she will tell you that Wendy told her what was what. I didn't speak to Danielle until after she already knew. She contacted me on Facebook and I verified what Wendy told her after she told me what was being said about me. After that, she decided to leave your group. I told both of them that since the Lord changed ME, maybe He changed you too and that it was done for me. THEN Danielle told Kristal. Then Kristal contacted me and told me what was being said about me, so I verified what Danielle told her. That was it! I have no interest in making myself look bad and I refused to take the blame in this alone anymore. "Danielle is in sin, she slept with several different men!" "She doesn't know WHO that baby's father is, it could be anyone"! These are the things I was hearing, so obviously I got upset and told the truth. If that makes me wrong, then I am. But MY pastor told me to stop lying about the situation so I did.


And after all this, I was told that you were telling people that I drugged you. (Juanell told Tabitha that!) That I had been chasing you for years and that the main reason I came there was to get pregnant by you. Israel, really? Is that what you really think of me? I drugged you? Wow. Well, anyway, there's nothing I want to say about any of that except that you and I both know none of that is true. You know me better than just about anyone and you KNOW that I don't take being lied on well. For some reason I HAVE to defend myself and that's the only reason I wrote you back. After all the letters I've written you with no reponse from you, I felt that I owed you the respect of validating your letter, the respect that you never gave me when I wrote.


Anyway, you're right. I really don't want anything else to do with you. I have forgiven you and have moved on with my life. It is sad that our friendship had to end this way. Alot of things could have been handled differently. I understand why you wanted to distance yourself, but did you have to do it at my expense? My children continue to suffer because of what I, as their mother allowed to happen to them. To be quite frank, the situation that happened between me and you is secondary. When you sit in an emergency room because your child has tried to kill herself, you gain alot of perspective. Karson is still afraid of going to the bathroom, I don't know what happened yet but I hope whoever terrorized my kids is happy. The sin happened and if you did as I did and asked for forgiveness then God has forgiven you. He has forgiven me too and for that I am grateful. He could have killed us in our sin but He was merciful. He gave me a beautfiul baby girl that I love more than anything. I forgive you and as I wrote you long ago asking for your forgiveness, I hope that you have forgiven me too. However, I am not going to say "IF I did anything", I obviously did for you to say some of the things that you said, SO I ask for your forgiveness as well.


I will do as you asked me and Kyndall will never know who you are. She will never intrude on your life. All I ask is that you send me what belongs to me, for you to replace my laptop and I will close this portion of my life. For some reason, I can't let that go. My therapist says that it's a symbol of what you took from me. You'll be glad to know that I am over you. I guess this is what it took, although I really can't blame just you. It was MY fault too. I could have said no, I could have stayed in Niagara Falls because no matter how much we both lie and say we had no idea that we would end up sleeping together, we BOTH know it was inevitable. BUT I have no regrets because to regret this would be regrettng my daughter and I will NEVER regret having her. Thank you for your part in her, that's the part of you that I will always love. Thanks for the letter, I appreciate you candor and your apology.




Danielle

Now I think I handled that like an adult. However, he STILL blames ME for how this all got out. It's not MY fault people know, it's HIS! I had to defend myself and I refuse to let anyone badmouth me about this situation again.