A Letter for my "Father". or Ode to a Sperm Donor....

Dad,


I just read your message about the "last name". Are you really going to trip about this? I think out of all the issues that we have, this is the smallest thing for you to worry about. I have spent many years hating the last name "Fain" and about a year ago I decided to change it to my mom's last name. I don't understand why this is such a surprise to you. While you have been trying to be a better father, let's not pretend like you always were. My mother raised me all by herself, she has supported me, stood by me and been there for me throughout my entire life. You, on the other hand, made a new family and forgot about us. You called another man's daughter your "eldest" and I was pushed to the side. NOW, that you decide that you are ready to parent, I'm supposed to forget all the hurt that I have suffered due to your neglect. I have cousins who think that my mom is some horrible person who kept us away from you for no reason. We both know that you were not there, and that when you were, it was usually to hand out some type of discipline. Sometimes you even hit us based on what you were hearing from Aunt Ann or others who didn't know what they were talking about. We weren't bad kids, we just needed a dad and you weren't there.

You hurt my mom so badly that for the past 30 years I have had to sit and watched her be alone because she's afraid to open her heart to anyone else. My brother is in jail because he didn't have anyone to show him how to be a man and the streets claimed him and lastly, you have two grown daughters who have never had a dad so they look for men that will fill that role for them. You have affected every part of my life. I chose men who treated me like you treated my mom. They made babies with me and then left me to raise them alone. So, if you're mad that I don't want your name, imagine how I felt when you didn't want me. Imagine how I felt watching you be a real dad to someone else's kid while I had to live without you.

This is a new year and I have decided not to go through it with past hurts weighing on me. My legal name, right now, is unfortunately still "Fain". It was only "Floyd" on this Facebook page, however I plan to change it legally this year so I can share the same last name as my children and the person who raised me. I have never understood why children have to be named after a man who's sperm was lucky enough to reach an egg because basically that's all you did. You shot some sperm with a good sense of direction, and for that I have to live with the last name of man that I don't even know. I don't think that's fair, I am going to choose who I am.

It can never be said that we haven't tried to form relationships with you. Skye and I asked mom to invite you here for Thanksgiving AND Christmas but we were told that you were going elsewhere. Who is more important than your daughters and grandchildren? When you first got out of jail I offered to pay for you to come and visit. Your excuse? Your probation officer wouldn't let you come. WOW! Your probation officer won't let you visit your daughters and grandchildren THREE hours away, but he will let you LEAVE the state to visit your sister and her lover? When we first moved here, you came to visit, got drunk and called my children "retards" and me, their mother, a "choir whore"! You also called me a bitch that night! You were so proud to tell me that Tiombe didn't like me, as if I really cared since I don't like her either! It seems like everytime I let you back into my life, I end up hurt because you feel entitled to respect that you don't deserve. Respect is EARNED, especially from children that you have not established a relationship with. And believe me, you have NOT established any relationships here. The ONLY reason I let Kennedy deal with you is because when you disappear (and you will), it really won't affect her because she still has me.

SO, be mad over something petty. It's your way. You're not looking at the BIGGER picture, there are many other things that you should be concerned about but go ahead and fret about my "last name". That's the BIG issue! You COULD be worried about whether or not you'll ever see your grandchildren, whether or not I'll EVER speak to you again, if you'll have a relationship with your only son, or if you middle daughter will EVER deal with you again but you choose to be worried about...... My last name.. Really?

Dani

P.S. Do me a favor and stop worrying my mom about this. She knows of my decision and supports me 100%. I don't care if you're mad at me. Either you'll get over it or you won't. There's really no way that I could possibly care less.

NeW YeAr, NeW Me!!! Welcome, 2011!!

I just wanted to say Happy New Year! All is well and I am still here, praising God for allowing me to see another new year. I have decided to allow some sleeping dogs lie but worry not, I will still be posting my past experiences here. The difference? I will not allow Isaiah or his "wife" to have power over my life anymore. I have realized that even though I am no longer around them, they STILL have so much influence in my life. As much as I hate to admit it, I have allowed what they've done to shape who I am today. It has shaped who I trust, who I love, how I love and even how I serve the Lord. I have given two powerless, useless individuals, who have no control over their OWN lives to control mine. Isn't that strange? Well, NO MORE!! I have decided that their control stops here!

I have released my hatred for her, and my total disdain for him. I have GRANTED forgiveness, meaning that even though I don't quite FEEL forgiveness, I will forgive because it's what the Lord requires of me AND it's what's best for ME and my children. I am living too well to remain mired down by a man who can't even pay his bills. God has been TOO good to me to allow Isaiah Freeman to have so much influence over my life! He doesn't even deserve to be in my thoughts.

I just want to say that I forgive you. I release you. You are no longer a priority in my thoughts. When I am done with this post, I will never think of you again except when I am writing about you in this blog. The ONLY reason I will even continue to write is because it makes ME feel better and people deserve to know what you are, so they won't fall into the same trap that I did. You know the one? Thinking that you were actually a good person! You are a liar and so is your "wife". I feel badly for her because her perception of God is extremely skewed. There is NO WAY that the Lord would make ANYONE stay in a horrible marriage just to prove that He is God! You continue to lie on Him, making Him your reason for staying in a marriage with a man who has somehow convinced you that you NEED him and are a loser without him. BUT when are you going to realize that you are an even bigger loser WITH him! LOL! The two of you are fortunate that I am not using your real names, even though you don't deserve any privacy. One day I will tell who you are, but not until I feel led to.

SO, Happy New Year! This will be the greatest year EVER!!!

Dani