I'm Back??

I can't believe I forgot this was still here, but I think I'll be updating here more now because I think I need an outlet because of everything that's happening in my life right now!

Updates~
I graduated from college! Yes! I earned my Master of Arts in Teaching back in September and while I was upset about not being able to go to my graduation (It was the same day as Kennedy's), I did need to be here for her. It's not like she has another parent who is willing to come and support her. (Not like any of my children do.

Anyway.....
I have a job... An excellent job. One that pays me well enough so that I'm not missing the income from the deadbeats that donated their sperm to help me make children that they don't help take care of. Yes, I'm still dealing with that. That's something that I don't think I'll ever really get over, because it's in my face everyday when I'm the only one they can come to when they need something.

We didn't move to Japan.... At least not yet.

Why?

Well, I decided that I needed to save more money, PLUS I am back in school! Yes... I'm crazy to do it again, but I need this degree in Early Childhood Education, so that I can be a in place to ask for what I want, instead of having to settle because I don't meet the requirements they're asking. SO.... I'm working toward my second Masters degree, this one is my Master of Science in Early Childhood Education! It's exciting, yet odd because of what I do now. I am teaching new childcare providers and helping them to get their CDA (Child Development Associate, while studying the same thing. It's trippy sometimes, but what I am learning helps me a great deal in the classroom, so it seems to be kismet! I'm having a good time, getting paid well and able to take care of everything without having to rely on other people to help me. It seriously makes me feel good about myself to know that I'm doing this. On my own.

I haven't heard from the "man" in years, and I can't say I'm sorry. It would have been nice if he'd acted at least a teeny bit interested in the daughter he claimed to want so much, but... I guess that's too much to ask. I've settled things with Kyndall, though. I told her that he died. That actually makes her look at him sympathetically and I think that's better than her hating him or even.... Or even feeling like she did something wrong to deserve the fact that he's not around.

Why did I tell her that?

Well.... One of the last things he told me was that she could never know who he is. So... The only way I could make sure that she wouldn't go looking for him, was to take him away permanently. She made a comment the other day that makes me incredibly glad that I told her what I did. She was talking to Kennedy, and asked her what she knew about her own father. Kennedy told her that she knows that he's a deadbeat loser who doesn't take care of his responsibilities. Kyndall remarked that she felt better knowing that her dad left her because he had no choice, not because he didn't want to be bothered with her. Sorry... But I'd rather her have that point of view.

Kennedy and Karson think he's dead too. Kennedy no longer has nightmares about him, and Karson sleeps in his own room and is able to go to the bathroom by himself! He even showers by himself now! SO... If telling that one lie means that my children can function. I'm glad I did it.

And he's dead to me, anyway...

-Kanye shrug-

See you soon...

~D

It's Been A LONG Time...

Wow, right?
I can't believe it's been so long since I've last written, but I needed to get away from this blog for few. It was actually sucking a great deal of joy out of my life, and since I don't really need to think on certain people anymore, why should I continue to write about them? It felt like I was beginning to obsess over people who're just not worthy of that, not that there is anyone who is! But... I was giving too much of my time, too much of my life to people who didn't deserve it. It was time to move on, at least until I could step back and see things another way. And I did. Even though I never downplayed my part in this drama,  I still minimized it. I am human, after all and it seems to be our way to push away from the negative and try to deny we had much to do with it. I mean... We'll claim some responsibility, but never the whole. It's time that I claim my entire role.

I could have said no.
I knew what moving to Ohio meant. I'd been in love with this dude for over 10 years, so of course I knew something was bound to happen. I knew what my feelings were and I knew if he were to try something, that I didn't have the strength nor the inclination to say no. I loved him. I wanted what he wanted.

I could have told the truth.
There were times when his wife came out and asked me how I felt about him. I lied each and every time. I could have told her that I was still just as in love with him as I was the day I met him. I could have told her that I wasn't in a position to deny him if he ever wanted more than just friendship from me.

I could have told her where he really was.
When she asked, I could have told her. I should have. But I didn't want the responsibility of that. I justified it by saying it wasn't my responsibility to tell her. That he was the one married to her. Not me. That the discussion was be between them, not us. I should have told her.

I could have told her how I really felt about her.
I should have told her how weak and desperate she seemed. Fighting to hold on to a man who had done nothing but disrespect her from the day I stepped into Ohio and even before. I should have told her that I thought she was country, and unlearned and ignorant and hypocritical. That her children were ordinary kids, just like anyone else's and that they were no more destined for greatness than anyone else's. But I lied. Just like everyone else. I should have told her that I wasn't interested in her friendship. That the only reason I ever even tried was because her husband told me it was a requirement. How I mentally bashed her advice, since it certainly wasn't working for her and how she dressed like a 75 year old woman. Again. I lied. Trying to please him.

People asked me all the time what our relationship was, and I lied to them. 
People I genuinely liked. I lied to their faces about what he and I really were. How we'd met. That's right. It's time I take responsibility for it all. Not just what I want to share, but all of it.

I didn't chase him, but I wanted to.
He honestly left me no space to chase him. He was doing all the chasing constantly. I never had to lift a finger. He did all the calling, all the lying, all the sneaking, all the improvising to give us more alone time together. He worked out a system at Kroger to get his receipt stamped at just the right time to have more time to come across the street to my house to make love to me before he went home. Bragged to me about how he wouldn't shower, because it felt good and even naughty to him to be able home, around his wife, smelling of me and what we'd done. (I thought he was pretty gross, but hey... It floated his boat, so I was down for whatever.

I allowed this to happen to me. 
I'm not some victim. At any time I could have told him no. I could have said that I didn't want to do it anymore. I could have left like I did eventually, but a lot sooner. I let him make me his whore. But never again. I will never allow another man to disrespect me like that again.

I don't care if I have to be alone for the rest of my life.

There...
Now you have it.
My confessions.

Moving on.
There has been so much that has happened since I've last written.
Kennedy is 17 years old and nearly graduating from high school.
(Real high school. Not home school.)
Karson is 13 and doing so well in school that I can't believe I ever listened to anyone else's advice concerning him. Mommy really does know best.
Kyndall is an amazing 7 year old, who will skip a grade. She'll go directly to 3rd grade next year instead of 2nd and I'm so proud of her.
And...
Well...
I've since had a new addition to my little family.
Her name is Keylee. She's 2 years old and is Mommy's princess. So busy an outspoken and just an amazing little girl. Just like her brother and sisters.

I finished my Bachelor's degree and am 2 classes away from my Master's in Education, my concentration in English! We'll be moving to Tokyo, Japan in the Spring of 2016, if the Lord says the same.

Life goes on.

Hey there!!!

SO, a whole Spring and Summer has passed without so much as a peep from me, huh? What's new? LOTS! I have a new man in my life, although I don't know if you'd call him new anymore since I've been seeing him since March! Name; George W. Reddick, Age; 44, Height; 6'6 (you know I love the TALL/BIG ones!) Weight; 350lbs. So now you have the stats, and as time goes on I'll share more of him with you. BUT just when I had resigned myself to being by myself, the Lord gave me a wonderful man!

I'm in love.......

D.

Well.... Hello!

Nothing's been going on here, just living day to day and finishing up my degree. Yeah, I'm excited BUT I've done this several times before SO finishing school and graduating is old hat for me now. I'll walk the stage for this AA in July in Phoenix BUT I'll start my BS on March 22, 2011. I'm really excited  about getting started, I LOVE learning new things and I am eager to get started!

Anyway, nothing's been happening on the Israel front. Yeah, I said his REAL name. I figured since I left it in the letters, that I would just go ahead and leave it here. He claims that people know so no one should be really shocked or appalled about knowing that he has a daughter that he doesn't even see or know. Hell, it's not like he's never done it before. His other daughter gets no love from him either, since the only children that mean anything are the "Golden Spawn" that he created with the dude he lives with. Low blow? Probably, but this is the only place that I allow myself such pleasures, since I keep this out of my real life.

Actually, there is something to tell. You're gonna think I'm NUTS, but I was actually considering moving BACK to Columbus. I'd made plans to visit there is April with my sister and figured that the reason that I'd never gone back to get my stuff out of storage is because I  was somehow "MEANT" to move back there. Up until yesterday, I was really serious about it too. I have a GREAT job offer with the Dept of Job and Family Services making 17.50 hourly, located a great three bedroom condo in Eastland and had even found a church to attend. All that was left was to really just move. BUT I began to think about some things.

1. My daughter REALLY doesn't ever want to lay eyes on him or anyone he's associated with ever again.

2. Since he and his family rely on welfare, while he sits back and does nothing but wait on the record deal that he will never get, I will probably have the misfortune of running into them at my job.

3. I will probably run into them while shopping, getting gas and/or working out.

4. Since I have no clue where their children go to school, there is a chance that I would have to deal with them in that setting as well.

4. When I go out for singing engagements or concerts or out just to dinner, I'll probably see their whack faces then too!

SO, while I really want to go back, I have to consider my children's peace of mind. Kennedy really has no real desire to go back to Columbus. She is afraid that we will run into Israel and/or his thug of a "wife" somewhere and she doesn't want to deal with them. Karson was fine once I reassured him that Israel and his "family" would not be a part of our existence. He doesn't really remember much outside of nightmares about Israel's "wife", so he doesn't really care. He trusts his mom and believes that I would do all that I can to keep those "people" away from him. Kyndall? Well, she just wants to be where Mommie is. Wherever that may be. PLUS Columbus seems to be becoming a ghost town for singers. A good friend of mine was heard on Facebook lamenting that she hasn't sang in a while. And this girl can REALLY sing! I don't want to get there and have my prospects dried up because of Israel's lies, because we ALL know that he can lie REALLY well! People already think that I DRUGGED HIM! I should take him to court for defamation and slander BUT what would I sue him for. All those raggedy computers? Wait! I could get all of those old videos. Naw... Maybe I could sue him for his car? But I don't need a junker. Musical equipment? Nah, that belongs to his "group". Well, I don't think I'll sue him NOW, I'll wait until he has something to sue FOR. It'd be JUST my luck that someone signs this loser, then I'll take him to court for child support! LOL! I don't think that's a REAL worry for me. While there are many people with no talent who have record deals, when they claim to be able to sing and/or play an instrument, they usually can at LEAST play and not leave their fingers in the same place on the keyboard while transposing the key! LOL! Wow! WEML!!!! (WhatEverMajorLoser!)

Well, I'm done with my mangling of this dude today. I'm eventually going to get around to getting the rest of my MySpace blog over here so you can read EVERYTHING. It should make for interesting reading. Especially since you now know his real name.....

D

A Letter for my "Father". or Ode to a Sperm Donor....

Dad,


I just read your message about the "last name". Are you really going to trip about this? I think out of all the issues that we have, this is the smallest thing for you to worry about. I have spent many years hating the last name "Fain" and about a year ago I decided to change it to my mom's last name. I don't understand why this is such a surprise to you. While you have been trying to be a better father, let's not pretend like you always were. My mother raised me all by herself, she has supported me, stood by me and been there for me throughout my entire life. You, on the other hand, made a new family and forgot about us. You called another man's daughter your "eldest" and I was pushed to the side. NOW, that you decide that you are ready to parent, I'm supposed to forget all the hurt that I have suffered due to your neglect. I have cousins who think that my mom is some horrible person who kept us away from you for no reason. We both know that you were not there, and that when you were, it was usually to hand out some type of discipline. Sometimes you even hit us based on what you were hearing from Aunt Ann or others who didn't know what they were talking about. We weren't bad kids, we just needed a dad and you weren't there.

You hurt my mom so badly that for the past 30 years I have had to sit and watched her be alone because she's afraid to open her heart to anyone else. My brother is in jail because he didn't have anyone to show him how to be a man and the streets claimed him and lastly, you have two grown daughters who have never had a dad so they look for men that will fill that role for them. You have affected every part of my life. I chose men who treated me like you treated my mom. They made babies with me and then left me to raise them alone. So, if you're mad that I don't want your name, imagine how I felt when you didn't want me. Imagine how I felt watching you be a real dad to someone else's kid while I had to live without you.

This is a new year and I have decided not to go through it with past hurts weighing on me. My legal name, right now, is unfortunately still "Fain". It was only "Floyd" on this Facebook page, however I plan to change it legally this year so I can share the same last name as my children and the person who raised me. I have never understood why children have to be named after a man who's sperm was lucky enough to reach an egg because basically that's all you did. You shot some sperm with a good sense of direction, and for that I have to live with the last name of man that I don't even know. I don't think that's fair, I am going to choose who I am.

It can never be said that we haven't tried to form relationships with you. Skye and I asked mom to invite you here for Thanksgiving AND Christmas but we were told that you were going elsewhere. Who is more important than your daughters and grandchildren? When you first got out of jail I offered to pay for you to come and visit. Your excuse? Your probation officer wouldn't let you come. WOW! Your probation officer won't let you visit your daughters and grandchildren THREE hours away, but he will let you LEAVE the state to visit your sister and her lover? When we first moved here, you came to visit, got drunk and called my children "retards" and me, their mother, a "choir whore"! You also called me a bitch that night! You were so proud to tell me that Tiombe didn't like me, as if I really cared since I don't like her either! It seems like everytime I let you back into my life, I end up hurt because you feel entitled to respect that you don't deserve. Respect is EARNED, especially from children that you have not established a relationship with. And believe me, you have NOT established any relationships here. The ONLY reason I let Kennedy deal with you is because when you disappear (and you will), it really won't affect her because she still has me.

SO, be mad over something petty. It's your way. You're not looking at the BIGGER picture, there are many other things that you should be concerned about but go ahead and fret about my "last name". That's the BIG issue! You COULD be worried about whether or not you'll ever see your grandchildren, whether or not I'll EVER speak to you again, if you'll have a relationship with your only son, or if you middle daughter will EVER deal with you again but you choose to be worried about...... My last name.. Really?

Dani

P.S. Do me a favor and stop worrying my mom about this. She knows of my decision and supports me 100%. I don't care if you're mad at me. Either you'll get over it or you won't. There's really no way that I could possibly care less.

NeW YeAr, NeW Me!!! Welcome, 2011!!

I just wanted to say Happy New Year! All is well and I am still here, praising God for allowing me to see another new year. I have decided to allow some sleeping dogs lie but worry not, I will still be posting my past experiences here. The difference? I will not allow Isaiah or his "wife" to have power over my life anymore. I have realized that even though I am no longer around them, they STILL have so much influence in my life. As much as I hate to admit it, I have allowed what they've done to shape who I am today. It has shaped who I trust, who I love, how I love and even how I serve the Lord. I have given two powerless, useless individuals, who have no control over their OWN lives to control mine. Isn't that strange? Well, NO MORE!! I have decided that their control stops here!

I have released my hatred for her, and my total disdain for him. I have GRANTED forgiveness, meaning that even though I don't quite FEEL forgiveness, I will forgive because it's what the Lord requires of me AND it's what's best for ME and my children. I am living too well to remain mired down by a man who can't even pay his bills. God has been TOO good to me to allow Isaiah Freeman to have so much influence over my life! He doesn't even deserve to be in my thoughts.

I just want to say that I forgive you. I release you. You are no longer a priority in my thoughts. When I am done with this post, I will never think of you again except when I am writing about you in this blog. The ONLY reason I will even continue to write is because it makes ME feel better and people deserve to know what you are, so they won't fall into the same trap that I did. You know the one? Thinking that you were actually a good person! You are a liar and so is your "wife". I feel badly for her because her perception of God is extremely skewed. There is NO WAY that the Lord would make ANYONE stay in a horrible marriage just to prove that He is God! You continue to lie on Him, making Him your reason for staying in a marriage with a man who has somehow convinced you that you NEED him and are a loser without him. BUT when are you going to realize that you are an even bigger loser WITH him! LOL! The two of you are fortunate that I am not using your real names, even though you don't deserve any privacy. One day I will tell who you are, but not until I feel led to.

SO, Happy New Year! This will be the greatest year EVER!!!

Dani

It's Christmas Time......

Well, Christmas time is here again! The time of year that makes me happy and sad at the same time. Christmas is when I get to watch the looks of joy on my family and friend's faces when they open up a gift from me, but it is also when my best friend, Kimberley Ann Greshem Brewer died, while I was talking to her on the phone. The day AFTER Christmas, as a matter of fact. We were chit-chatting about her visiting because my mom was in town and she really wanted to see us. We wanted to see her and Keyondra as well, but it was not to be. We were laughing about some silliness that happened on Christmas Day, I don't remember now but it was FUNNY! We decided to meet after she gave her mom her breakfast, which she was preparing right then. Then it was she and my mom making their usual crazy commments to each other, so I decided to give mom the phone. Mom and Kimmie talked for a few minutes, with Kim PROMISING that she was almost done. "All I have to do is get Keyondra dressed and we'll be there!" They finished their talk with, "I love you", as they always did and then it was ME back on the phone. "Are you still going to Syracuse this weekend?", she asked me. I told her, "Yeah, and I still need Keyondra's carseat for Karson." She said, "Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me, so I can Keyondra's other careseat from Lee's (her husband) truck." I replied, "OK, so you'll be here in a few?" She didn't answer me, so I started calling her name. "Kim, are you there?" I heard her mom calling her name too, but it didn't occur to me that something might be wrong. (Maybe I was blocking it out?) She still didn't answer and I wasn't really worried since we both had Cricket phones and they ALWAYS drop calls.

I tried to call her back several times that day and no one answered. She didn't come over, so I went to her house and since her car was unlocked, I got the carseat. We'd done this several times, if she didn't have time to bring the carseat by, she would leave her car unlocked for me to get it. I went to the door and knocked but no one answered so I got into mom's car and called her on my cell. She still didn't answer so I left her message, telling her that I had the carseat and that we would call when we got back, that maybe mom could see her then. "Talk you later, Kimmie. Love you, girl, bye.....

It wasn't until I was on my way to Syracuse that I found out what happened. While she was talking to me on the phone, she had a Pulmonary Embolism. In short, a blood clot traveled from one of her legs and became lodged in a main vessel in one of her lungs. Death, I am told, was instant. I hope that's true because if anyone deserved a pain-free, quick death, it was her. With two parents who gave her away, church people who she thought were friends and weren't, an abusive husband who cheated on her constantly and never being able to live for herself because she was so busy trying to take care of an ailing mother, she didn't need to suffer any longer. So, my best friend died on December 26, 2003, which was also her daughter's 3rd birthday, she wasn't even 25 yet.

This is one reason I keep this blog. Kim was more than my best friend, she was someone who would gave told me to fight Isaiah! She would have insisted that I stand up for myself when he and his wife were trashing me about what they felt I SHOULD have been doing. Kim NEVER would have let me do this to myself. I miss her and I wish she were here.....

I love you, Kimberley Ann Gresham Brewer..... Rest In Peace, girl....