Wow, right?
I can't believe it's been so long since I've last written, but I needed to get away from this blog for few. It was actually sucking a great deal of joy out of my life, and since I don't really need to think on certain people anymore, why should I continue to write about them? It felt like I was beginning to obsess over people who're just not worthy of that, not that there is anyone who is! But... I was giving too much of my time, too much of my life to people who didn't deserve it. It was time to move on, at least until I could step back and see things another way. And I did. Even though I never downplayed my part in this drama, I still minimized it. I am human, after all and it seems to be our way to push away from the negative and try to deny we had much to do with it. I mean... We'll claim some responsibility, but never the whole. It's time that I claim my entire role.
I could have said no.
I knew what moving to Ohio meant. I'd been in love with this dude for over 10 years, so of course I knew something was bound to happen. I knew what my feelings were and I knew if he were to try something, that I didn't have the strength nor the inclination to say no. I loved him. I wanted what he wanted.
I could have told the truth.
There were times when his wife came out and asked me how I felt about him. I lied each and every time. I could have told her that I was still just as in love with him as I was the day I met him. I could have told her that I wasn't in a position to deny him if he ever wanted more than just friendship from me.
I could have told her where he really was.
When she asked, I could have told her. I should have. But I didn't want the responsibility of that. I justified it by saying it wasn't my responsibility to tell her. That he was the one married to her. Not me. That the discussion was be between them, not us. I should have told her.
I could have told her how I really felt about her.
I should have told her how weak and desperate she seemed. Fighting to hold on to a man who had done nothing but disrespect her from the day I stepped into Ohio and even before. I should have told her that I thought she was country, and unlearned and ignorant and hypocritical. That her children were ordinary kids, just like anyone else's and that they were no more destined for greatness than anyone else's. But I lied. Just like everyone else. I should have told her that I wasn't interested in her friendship. That the only reason I ever even tried was because her husband told me it was a requirement. How I mentally bashed her advice, since it certainly wasn't working for her and how she dressed like a 75 year old woman. Again. I lied. Trying to please him.
People asked me all the time what our relationship was, and I lied to them.
People I genuinely liked. I lied to their faces about what he and I really were. How we'd met. That's right. It's time I take responsibility for it all. Not just what I want to share, but all of it.
I didn't chase him, but I wanted to.
He honestly left me no space to chase him. He was doing all the chasing constantly. I never had to lift a finger. He did all the calling, all the lying, all the sneaking, all the improvising to give us more alone time together. He worked out a system at Kroger to get his receipt stamped at just the right time to have more time to come across the street to my house to make love to me before he went home. Bragged to me about how he wouldn't shower, because it felt good and even naughty to him to be able home, around his wife, smelling of me and what we'd done. (I thought he was pretty gross, but hey... It floated his boat, so I was down for whatever.
I allowed this to happen to me.
I'm not some victim. At any time I could have told him no. I could have said that I didn't want to do it anymore. I could have left like I did eventually, but a lot sooner. I let him make me his whore. But never again. I will never allow another man to disrespect me like that again.
I don't care if I have to be alone for the rest of my life.
There...
Now you have it.
My confessions.
Moving on.
There has been so much that has happened since I've last written.
Kennedy is 17 years old and nearly graduating from high school.
(Real high school. Not home school.)
Karson is 13 and doing so well in school that I can't believe I ever listened to anyone else's advice concerning him. Mommy really does know best.
Kyndall is an amazing 7 year old, who will skip a grade. She'll go directly to 3rd grade next year instead of 2nd and I'm so proud of her.
And...
Well...
I've since had a new addition to my little family.
Her name is Keylee. She's 2 years old and is Mommy's princess. So busy an outspoken and just an amazing little girl. Just like her brother and sisters.
I finished my Bachelor's degree and am 2 classes away from my Master's in Education, my concentration in English! We'll be moving to Tokyo, Japan in the Spring of 2016, if the Lord says the same.
Life goes on.
